Continuing with the ‘Dimension of specialness’ in this blog I want to address the Elitist character that I have developed within my mind in years later in my teen age years within the definition of ‘I want to be special and I want to be more’ as the moment in my childhood that I wanted to be project myself as something mysterious,unpredictable, good entertainer so to speak.
I remember that the first thing that impress me was ‘magic’ as childhood after of course having that definition of myself as ‘I wanted to be more and special’ that I saw in the movie of Aladdin. My interest as child become really in attraction towards ‘magic’. I wanted to learn magic and eventually one of my uncles got me a mini set of magic in which of course as child naive I expected magic for real, I was really exciting in the moment that I got that minikit of magic. But, everything changed in the moment that I saw that magic involved a ‘trick’ because there were no real magic I felt a little sad within myself I compare the sadness that I felt the day that I discovered that ‘Santa Claus’ were my parents because the environment where I lived the first 9 years of my life were in the house of my grandmother due economic issues and as I commented before, my grandmother have a very ‘artistic character as his prominent presentation’, so every weekends had a a lot of cousins visits because was at that stage a point of ‘habit’ in terms of the family to visit my grandmother.
I was the older of my cousins but by not much years there were a ‘ladder’ effect in terms of ages between my cousins and I, 1 and 3 years the males, the females more than 5. So, this was a big family due my grandmother have 9 sons so you can imagine the amount of cousins and that I have and I was the older between them.
So, in relation to magic and the moment that I wanted to be special as magician because they had similarity to the ‘genius’ or the stereotype of genius that I wanted to be in the moment that I saw the movie of Aladdin. I wanted to learn magic and as I stated before I got a mini kit of magician just for kids nothing special. But I was very exciting because as I wrote early I thought that magic was for real as most of children believe for a while. So I was a child and I had a kit of magic and I found that magic involved tricks, I felt really disappointed but interested because of the ‘realization’ so to speak. I started to play with stuffs just for fun, but I wasn’t good at it, my face always described that I was making a trick, I was not a good cheater as child, I couldn’t not contain the laughter while a making a trick because I knew that I was ‘lying’.
I just forget about it, I gave the pieces of the magic between my cousins and I kept with one of the pieces. Then obviously I wanted to discover the tricks of the ‘magicians’ which is of course very common in every child that ‘discover this point of ‘magic’, then I forget about it, because I got bored of the magic stuff but of course something remained in myself in terms of the idea that I wanted to be obviously not in a conscious form I could say, because I wasn’t constantly thinking in that. It’s piece of information in order to recreate the ‘personality’ or character as the Elitist character. There were multiple characters in terms of television that influenced this point of ‘mysterious’ and Elitist’, for example one of those was “Ra’s al Ghul” which is the ‘mentor’ of ‘Batman’ where he’s all mysterious and immortal and is not very much seen in the series which captivated my attention because of that point of not be the ‘main character’ or seen but just there mixed with a sense of ‘power’ or “more than” the “main character” that was at least the perception that I got in the moment that I saw that character in the Batman series while child.
Another one was from the movie ‘The shadow’ where the main character was a retired warrior and drug dealer in the Tibet and then he found a monk in which he reads his mind and tells him, that he could redeem himself by using ‘his black heart’ to fight ‘evil’ then this character ends up like ‘psychic’ fighting against ‘the bad people’, which is another bit of information in terms of how I wanted to be psychic also because of this movie obviously connected to the mysterious and unpredictability.
Mysterious and magic was something that caused a lot of attraction for me, because I was really interested in that sense of specialness and ‘magic’ and wanting to be more, because I found my life ‘boring’ like there were nothing of that at all. I saw a lot of television when I was a child, a lot of movies and in way I was trying to find myself in some ‘movies’ lol. Yes, it’s the classical perspective of the child reaching the teen age years and wanted to know ‘who I’m’, so the self definition of myself were based basically in movies, where I built the personalities in order to create that sense of moreness and mysterious and unpredictable.
So in order to create a list chronologically as much as I remember in the movies and characters that I have developed in my life, lets start with the movie of ‘Rambo’, this character as the ‘warrior’ character was connected to the character that I started to use in school, specifically in order to create a sense of protection towards myself from the others children because as I have wrote before in others blogs, I had a bad relationship with others children specially in the first years of school, I used this character to feel or perceive myself as someone ‘strong’ and brave. Lol, I remember how I used to copy the gesture of face and voice of the ‘character’ Rambo when I had 7/8 years old in order ‘to activate’ the character, it was something really funny because I saw myself in total set or in “scene” within my mind in those moments like really believing that I was Rambo in fact, just by copying his body language.
Another will be from the movie “back to future” where perceived a sense of spontaneousness from the character and because I saw this character something ‘funny’ and I generally compared myself to the movie characters, because that’s what I lived, I watched a lot of television movies and series and I compared myself to characters. It’s because I never saw anything ‘interesting’ in myself and that’s the first reason of why I was comparing myself to movie characters and looking for ‘something’ ‘interesting’ outside of myself in order to create ‘the interesting’ thing’ outside of myself. So in fact I can really say I never ‘lived’ as myself because I was constantly creating characters in order to activate during certain tasks or when meeting people. I always lived in self doubt of myself, like if never could trust myself in doing something or meeting people. I was completely possessed by the failure character.
Well that’s related to the ‘useless character’ or ‘diminishment character’ that was the predominant force within myself that was the core of my self sabotage, so I see that, in relation to ‘wanting to be more’ and do not want ‘to be ordinary’ is connected to want to be ‘someone interesting’ in terms of my expression or behavior it’s like I never saw myself as a good ‘communicator’ yet in the same time there were this “force” wanting to communicate and express that was always there, but I saw myself as ‘not good at it’ and of course caused suppression through copy others behaviors and body languages that I considered as ‘interesting’ in order to ‘perceive myself as interesting person in which of course I failed quite hard in terms of copying and reproduce it through social interaction, because it was really noticeable for me that I was ‘acting’ because of the amount of
switches of personalities that I had and it became a force in a way.
So I see that the cause and the reason of everything was ‘self judgment’ due not wanting to express myself out of the ‘fear’ of doing it wrong which as far I remember the first time that I judged myself and I didn’t want to express it was when I was very child I remember that I was talking to a adult probably my uncles and I remember that I was judging the sound of my voice as child because of course when one is child the voice and speaking doesn’t come ‘clear’ because of course of lack of practice, I see that It’s like I wanted to be ‘good in things’ without practice them, interesting, because it has some connection in relation to ‘magic’ and mysterious character.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect the character of the series of Batman as
Ra’s al Ghul to a positive value within my mind connected to a sense of mysterious and power as something interesting in my mind and thus save it within and as a piece of information in order to create as I wanted to ‘project’ myself onto others.
When and as I see myself wanting to be ‘interesting’ as mysterious and powerful in order to project myself in that specific way I stop, I breathe within the realization that I’m suppressing myself through acting as a character as the Elitist Character thus it’s of course not acceptable because it would imply that I’m judging myself and thus abusing myself just by the sake of fearing expressing myself as who I’m as the physical here.
I commit myself to in the moment that I see and perceive myself activating the mysterious character realize that I’m fearing myself and thus within that realization I stop and I breathe and direct myself to communicate express/interact within any kind of self deception mechanism of defense that protects fear as the ‘mysterious character’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect the character of the movie ‘The shadow’ within and as the ‘psychic’ elitist character mixed with mysterious and power within my mind.
When and as I see myself wanting to be more and special within and as the psychic elitist character I stop, I realize that it’s a form of mechanism of defense in order to prevent myself to face my own fear of not expressing myself here without any kind of bullshit self belief that protects the
inferiority in which I have accepted and allowed to exist.
I commit myself to in the moment that I see myself activating the psychic elitist character as wanting to know things about other people with the starting point of feeling myself special without any kind of real support to others through that information, realize that it’s destructive and deceptive and within that direct myself to no allow such thing to possess myself for the sake of protect the fear of communicate/interact here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect the character of the movie ‘back to future’ with a sense of spontaneousness as funny within my mind and from that present it in the moment within socializing with people specially during my childhood years where I presented this character in order to express myself as ‘funny’ and thus create this point of separation of myself through a character as the ‘movie character’ as funny in order to project myself in that certain way but in fact I was hiding the fear within myself through utilizing a character as funny in order to protect myself without realizing that in fact I was protecting fear.
When and as I see myself activating a character as funny in order to project myself towards others as way to be liked or look interesting for others I stop, I breathe – within the realization that by placing value in wanting to be liked or to look ‘interesting’ I’m judging myself as no be able to be interesting so to speak and thus create a point of separation as the negative polarity in myself therefore connect and place the positive value in my mind in the character and through that putting in place the components necessary in order to generate energy within my mind which obviously supports patterns of self abuse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear to express myself here without a mind character that supports the separation that I have accepted and allowed to exist through fear and so access the character as funny in order to hide the fear that I have in fact living in myself as fearing to express myself as me here.
When and as I see myself accessing the ‘funny’ character as a form of escape of my fear I stop, I breathe within the realization that I’m utilizing that character as a mechanism of defense in order to protect my own fear of expressing myself here without the funny character because i consider that without the funny character I’m not able to communicate or express which in fact is not truth because it’s just a matter of expressing one self here without any kind of self definition in the moment of expressing but of course self direction within and as communicating.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to in the moment as child while speaking to a adult generate a judgment to the articulation of my month and sounding of the words as ‘not good’ and thus fear emerged in the moment that I judged myself and from that moment I chose to suppress myself into a shy character as ‘I don’t want to speak’ to adults because I didn’t want to look ‘foolish’ and from there create the negative value to myself as speaking and thus the starting point of fear to communicate was because I wanted to not look ‘foolish’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear to look foolish in communication and therefore suppress myself through judging myself and within that activate the justification as ‘I’m more than this’ conversation or those words’ as a way to no face my own fear and inferiority and in fact creating the foolishness within my mind as the ‘I’m more than’ just by the fact of not wanting to face a silly fear.
When and as I see myself fearing to look foolish in communication I stop I breathe within the realization that I have many times faced this point of foolishness into communication thus that I fear is the fear in itself because I have faced many times this point of foolishness into communication and yet I have hold on that fear without learning from it, which makes me see that in a way I have defined myself as ‘this fear’ as ‘it’s who I’m’ thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed define myself as the fear of look foolish in and as communication and therefore hold into that fear believing and perceiving that the fear is me when in fact it’s a illusion that I have placed above myself.
I commit myself to in the moment that I hold into fear remind me that fear is not who really I’m but a illusion that within my participation I keep alive and thus, I’m the one that align myself into fear and not that ‘fear’ is me or define me, I’m the one the define myself as fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think in the moment that I face a ‘foolishness’ moment within and as conversation activate within myself the picture of myself holding my face as i connected to fear and shame of myself without realizing that in fact I’m in those moments living in and as a character looking for control in outcomes in communication through projecting a positive ‘face’ of myself in order to generate the outcome that I want from that person and thus I realize and understand that it’s self manipulation in which I have participated while communicating as always wanting to please others through a positive image of myself through communication and within that pleasing generate a good feeling about myself as If were a ‘good person’ when in fact I’m abusing myself inside in the moment that I hide my fear through the positive image within and as myself.
When and as I see myself wanting to please others with the starting point of wanting to generate a positive feeling about myself as ‘good person’/positive image I stop, I breathe within the realization that by projecting a false image of myself as a positive image I’m not changing myself but protecting fear and deceiving others and myself in the moment that I allow to present a false image to others and thus I direct myself to direct the communication without manipulating myself and others into something that I’m not in fact.
I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to please others within the realization that by pleasing others through a positive image with the starting point of wanting to feel good about myself I’m deceiving myself and others in the moment that I allow to be possesed by the fear of not want to be foolish when in fact by presenting a false image I’m acting a foolish way because I’m deceiving myself and others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in the moment while child as the adult judge my tonality of voice and articulation of the words that I was speaking as ‘foolish’ and therefore suppress myself within and as the back chat ‘No I don’t want to talk now’ mixed with shyness within my mind generating that starting point of self judgment towards myself which accumulated during the years as the ‘fear to communicate due self judgment of doing it wrong’.
When and as I see myself judging myself in communication and placing value to communication I stop I breathe I realize that I have placed value to fear and self definition of myself as fear and therefore I have created this point of separation towards myself and others by judging myself and so create a projection of superiority through characters in order to create a bridge of communication in order to be able to ‘communicate’ due the amount of fear that I had to myself which I have projected onto others but in fact was my self judgment of wanting to do things ‘good from the beginning’ which is of course not as the reality works.
I commit myself to no longer accept and allow to judge myself while and during communication because I have seen and understood the consequences of such action through suppressing myself and creating specific characters in order to not face myself and hide myself through them generating abuse to myself in the moment that I suppressed myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to imagine in my mind the positive image within my mind as something interesting as mysterious and unpredictable in order to not face the fear of communicate me here, normally because of the fear to do it wrong or to look foolish and pathetic and therefore create the ‘positive’ ‘image’ of myself as mysterious and unpredictable in order to hide my own fear to communicate as me here without realizing that I was in fact perpetuating, prolonging, postponing. The inevitable as myself as that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to not realize that by fearing to communicate I have created a variety of characters as mysterious , unpredictable , funny which ends up in the ‘spiritual character’ as the ‘Elitist character’ as a positive image in order to hide the initial fear that I had and in myself during my whole life, the fear of express and communicate as myself and not as a character.
When and as I see myself accessing the ‘positive image’ within my mind as something interesting as mysterious and unpredictable in order to not face the fear of communication but utilizing a character in order to face my fear I stop, I breathe – I realize that by fearing to communicate I have created a variety of characters in order to hide and suppress one single silly fear in which in fact I have faced many times which was the point of having situations where I made mistakes and looked funny or silly or foolish but under and as a character and therefore I never correct it as myself but as ‘the positive image’ of myself which in fact is not a correction but a suppression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted to react in the moment while speaking to the adult with shyness and self diminishment mixed with a sensation of funny/innocent moment in my mind.
When and as I see myself reacting with shyness in a moment of communication I stop, I breathe – I realize that shyness is self judgment accepted as ‘normal’ and funny specially while one is child but in fact it’s self abusive and generate consequences that are not good for self at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to in the moment with the adult while speaking react physically with my shoulders up and my head down like hiding myself in shyness and within that activate the back chat ‘I don’t want to talk’ right now and remain silent while running away slowly to another place.
When and as I see myself avoiding to communicate with someone just by the possession of shyness I stop I breathe – I realize that by accepting and allowing to posses myself by shyness in that moment I’m accepting and allowing to recreate the same pattern of abuse which of course it’s not acceptable a all.
I commit myself to no longer participate en shyness because I see and I realize the consequence of that ‘shyness’ can really create if one hold into that specific self judgment creating patterns of isolating, delirious of grandeur and specialness as a accumulative effect by the fact of suppressing one self.