IGNORANCE is BLISS /Fear of Conflict

IGNORANCE is BLISS /Fear of Conflict

After a few days of being in another home because of the rent contract finished with the other house , I started to have within my imagination a point of melancholia in relation to old house which at the same time a WTF is going on with me emerged because I usually didn’t have that kind of thought before , I have suppressed them very well that I didn’t even notice them.

I see that in a way I’m generating this point of attachment to things which I usually forget with the time because of adaptability, but I see that I’m generating emotions and feelings connected to the old house. I see that for example in my imagination, all the memories coming up in relation to  how I  came to this house when I moved from my old city that I connected to feelings within my mind as something new and the same time at that stage I started to participate with desteni and the whole sense of change was connected to the old house obviously with a sense of positivity.

Let’s start with the positivity in relation to the idea of the process as something ‘positive’ in my perception.

Well for me I didn’t see it as something ‘positive’/really positive but when I started to apply self forgiveness I started to notice the release of the compounding baggage within myself thus I create for a moment a sense of  ‘positivity’ in relation to process as something ‘nice’ or positive , so obviously eventually with the realization that self forgiveness wasn’t a point of nice experience but a statement of release and responsibility, my perception about the process obviously changed into what’s it now and that’s all. Ofcourse there were moments were I felt that I was doing something substantial with my life and I  felt good about myself but again are just ‘phases’ in the process or at least that’s how I see it.

In relation to suppression and the positive feelings, in myself, the prominent aspect was the point of feelings more than emotions. I generally suppressed the emotions and focused mainly into the feelings. It’s fascinating because I did this even before to enter in the spirituality realm and positive thinking. Why?. Because in my mind  I’m quite extreme, I always tend to go into extreme, so I didn’t like in myself the point of ‘self pity’ that I always felt when one emotion emerged within myself. Every time I fell in self pity in myself I became really angry that the same anger throw me out of self pity, so it’s quite difficult for me to fell in self pity because self pity trigger anger in myself, because I feel like I’m  really diminishing myself deliberately and basically trapping myself into that emotion due as I said before my mind configuration is little extreme, so , my lack of self control was something that I feared in myself and I never liked nor I even believed that such thing as being depressed was something ‘real’ for me, I saw depression as also any form of ‘sadness’ a way of manipulation  in order to get something for someone. This realization came up when I was a child and I was observing one of my ‘friends’ of the school how he crying and all sad in order to get attention from his mother in order to do that he wanted which was generally used to buy toys and stuffs like that. I never did that kind of stuff to my parents, because when I asked for things they always told me straight ‘I don’t have money’ so I just understood directly with a ‘ok’ not a negative ‘ok’ but I just understood the situation.

So I basically I was in anger at myself in the moment that I felt ‘sad’ or within a emotion as self pity  or even depressed because I didn’t like that kind of bullshit in myself nor even in anyone around me, while reaching teenage years I was explosive, very explosive and I always when I saw one person in ‘depression’ or claimed to be depressed, I felt a volcano inside of me exploding and I generally I went into spitefulness I would say, acting very aggressive with laughter and stuff trying to make the people go into anger and laugh again, sometimes it did work, sometimes not, the people around me obviously thought that I was stupid or something, but the point is that I didn’t even tolerate that in anyone nor even myself fell in depression because for me it was ultimately fake thing, so I hated ’emotions’ in a way and I hated myself when I felt depressed and I considered myself stupid when I fell in a emotional state as sad or even depressed.

The point is that my explosiveness and my aggression was something that caused a lot people to not like me, so after dropping karate I had accumulated a lot of children with anger against me, but for me was something ‘normal’ because since I have started school the rejection with other children was  quite prominent in my life and in that moment I wasn’t a explosive child but quite shy.

The conflict with other children went into extensive, very extensive. So I couldn’t take anymore  and I just wanted peace and I couldn’t get it anymore, so I started to consider that my explosiveness and spitefulness I would say, was the cause of the conflict. So, I suppressed it into a personality serious and silent,  I had fear to speak and communicate because  when I was speaking always in a way or another I generated conflict in others, extensive amount of conflict.( lol I didn’t remember that).

So I considered that part of myself something ‘stupid’ and I thought that I learned the “lesson” in terms of self control and I had to suppress it in order to generate peace in environment, but it didn’t stop at all until I started to have physical fights with other children in school where I won the ‘respect’  for my fights. Quite hellish years in my life.

Everything changed in high school when I met another kind of people and I went into stability and peace and in the same time the spirituality point emerged within me.

If I look within that I didn’t want to really face in myself was the point of self pity lol that I was in fact living in myself in ‘the truth of myself ‘so to speak, but I never accepted that in terms of accept it in order to correct it. I was always in denial to that point of self pity that I always lived within myself in my behavior.

It’s like believing myself something positive when my actions where in fact based in self pity but I suppressed it and transformed the suppressions into something positive so I could feel good about myself. It’s clear self manipulation in which I lived before Desteni, so the change from my old city to this one was a obvious point of release I would say, like letting everything go and start over again, obviously, I realized that the past go with one anywhere you go and self honesty and self forgiveness became more interesting, because it’s the way to wash the past and in the same time learn from it in order to not repeat the same mistakes, obviously it’s not a magic wand or anything like that, it’s a tool to see and release the emotional/feeling compounding but doesn’t change consequence at all.

The self pity that I lived in terms of my actions was due the useless character which I had written before many times,  I realized that the uselessness character is just a make belief that I have created of myself because of my incapacity of concentration in that stage, so obviously I created the whole idea of ‘I’m useless, I can’t do anything well’ which obviously is not real it’s just the same make belief is that keep one out of practice and then simply feed itself by the same fear, I could say that it’s also a form of self interest because one want to keep that ‘useless’ as comfort zone in order to not change. It’s quite abusive and therefore not acceptable.

Thus I’m going to focus specifically in the aggressively and explosiveness in relation to emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to react in anger every time that I see or I hear someone speaking about ‘depression’ because I became really explosive and aggressive due what for me depression is manipulation in everyway thus I react to it or I have  back chats about the person which is ‘What fucking liar’ or ‘lol, liar’ within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accept and allow to realize that by reacting in anger I’m just generating a emotion within myself which is anger thus I see and I realize that by generating a negative charge within myself I generate the opposite polarity as the positive and thus eventually energy is created through the back chat as judgement ‘What fucking liar’ or ‘lol, liar’ within my mind and therefore I create the negative value and  the positive will emerge  as the back chat ‘oh i don’t do that’ and therefore I manifest the feeling which is the feeling good about myself which imply abuse in many degrees.

When and as I see myself judging another person as ‘What fucking liar’ or ‘lol, liar’ I stop I breathe, and I bring it back to myself in order to see that I’m fact I have been liying to myself and others in the moment that I didn’t want to face my own self pity and in fact change it but turned it into a point of anger in order to prevent to exist that self pity or even depression in my reality which is in fact the same act of lying and deceiving into myself and others thus I’m not innocent and every thought that I have is in fact a reflection of myself that must be investigated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to react in anger towards emotions without realizing that anger is in fact one emotion and thus I’m not taking in consideration that anger is one emotion and thus I realize that I was not considering anger as emotion but as a expressive experience within myself as I was living the word in my mind which is not true but it’s in fact a emotion, thus I see that anger is a emotion which is obvious but I didn’t see it ‘honestly’ as a emotion within my mind due my value as positive ‘experience of release lol’.

When and as I see myself describing anger as a positive experience within myself I stop, I breathe – I realize that I see anger as a motor of impulse, I always moved myself with anger when I was pushing myself into things, it’s like I believe that I need anger to move myself specially in resistances thus I see that with breath and determination it’s more than enough because it’s not a energetic experience which are all about baby rawr that doesn’t go anywhere with any practical solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to utilize anger as way to supress my own self pity and through that projecting it to others in order to create a sense of superiority when in fact I was in depression within myself in as I was living in terms of self diminisment, and thus creating a point of strenght through a character as ‘strong’ when in fact it’s was just a mechanism of defense that prevented to see in myself the real weakness that I was in fact living.

When and as I see myself utilizing anger as way to supress my own self pity through superiority I stop , I breathe, I realize that anger can be used with and within determination but not as a way to supress/hide and escape from oneself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to evade emotions in order to not face  my self pity state in which I lived within myself  during my childhood and teenage years due my own lack of focus and therefore believing and perceiving myself as useless and thus giving up on myself, and in a way creating a sense of powerlessness and self pity that I didn’t want to face but suppressed it into positive feelings and la-la-la land later with Spirituality and positive thinking in order to not face myself and my ‘failure’ character within myself.

When and as I see myself evading emotions within myself in order to not face myself completely and focusing only in my aspect as the positive I stop I breathe, I realize that by suppressing the emotions and focusing in the positive as feeling I’m in fact removing the awareness of the emotions and therefore I cannot direct them, because I’m not aware of them which of course by not being aware of them doesn’t mean that they cease to exist but exist in compounded form and intensify within myself in my mind by the principle of what you resist, persist.

Dimensions:

Fear:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear communicate with other people by the fact of saying something which could trigger conflict due my history of conflict with people in the moment that I open myself so to speak, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear a extensive amount of conflict in my life with other people.

When and as I see myself fearing to generate massive amount of conflict I stop , I breathe – I realize that in way conflict is inevitable and more within this process due the amount of make believe that exist, thus in a way it’s necessary to make people face things but obviously not in a deliberate form as wanting deliberately make react another, at least not in my current stage due my lack of complete understanding and specificity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to to create a point of self diminishment through consider myself not ready to speak because I in my mind I don’t like make mistakes when it imply support others directly, because I feel like I’m playing a ‘life’ in my hands and therefore ‘I must be aware of everything in order to speak’ which in fact it’s not so because mistakes are made to learn from them obviously less as possible, but not fear to generate mistakes because I see and I realize that the more I fear to make mistakes, more mistakes I’m going to manifest due my fear and myself being self conciouss about fearing to make mistakes which I end ups timelooping in relation to mistakes and fear.

When and as I see myself creating a point of self diminisment through considering myself not ready to speak because I in my mind I don’t like to make mistakes, I stop – I breathe – I realize that by fearing to make mistakes I will manifest more mistakes until I get the point of fear to be realized  which means that that there’s nothing ‘wrong’ by making mistakes but to learn from them in order to not happen again otherwise, mistakes will emerge over again and again until I get it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to hide myself through anger and superiority in the moment that I  saw another reflecting back the inferiority that I was accepting and allowing within and as myself and through that utilize anger as a form of escape through that making it more obvious and evident the point of self pity within as my life, but I choose to suppress and hide it and ran away from it and point fingers at others that represented and reflected that inferiority in myself ( that’s fascinating, because that’s EXACTLY the communication that I had as my father) So now I know my father a little more.

When and as I see mysef hiding myself through anger and superiority I stop, I breathe – I realize that by hiding myself through anger and in fact generating escaping from myself and generating distraction that only perpertuate the lie that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and me as the sins of fathers  thus I’m responsible now to stop this delusion of anger and pointing fingers to others in the moment that somebody reflect me, myself and thus every moment that I react in anger in any situation that I see in another I stop I breathe – I bring it all to myself within the realization and awareness that I must investigate inmediately the point presented in that moment of reaction otherwise I will miss a opportunity of change within and as the pattern of anger and spitefulness.

I commit myself to be and become stable in every situation of conflict that I must face within my life thus I can be in fact of support and not fall in to the trap of giving up on myself just by the fear of conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to create a hesitation in the moment that I see or I experience massive amount of conflict or even conflict and I access the personality of ‘lightworker as ‘love and light’ as I want ‘peace’  without realizing that I’m in fact fearing the negative as the conflict which is that exist in fact in the reality all the time as the suffering that is in reality constantly and continously.

When and as I see myself creating hesitation in the moment that I see or I experience massive amount of conflict or even conflict I stop, I breathe I realize that there’s nothing to hesitate about but   be certain and direct the conversation/communication with common sense in all ways, always.

Thought:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think about conflict specifically massive amount of conflict with the picture of the years of school and the fighting most of my time in school and then having my father with conflict in my home mixed with a sense of exasperation and total instability as I don’t want to go there in relation to conflict.

When and as I see myself thinking about conflict specifically with the picture of the years at school with the fighting and the massive amount of conflict in my life, I stop, I breathe – I realize that by fearing to conflict I’m accepting and allowing to the world continue as it exist right now

I commit myself to realize that we are living in a mess with shit loads of abusive make belief and there will be massive a lot of conflict in the years to come, so I must prepare myself in order to be a stable human being that in fact can be in of support others but obviously first I start with myself.

Imagination:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to imagine in the moment that I think about the conflict that will generate in the years the come in relation to the world and the Desteni message and how people react extensibly to the message I generate within my imagination a lot of people coming after me chasing me up trying to attack/kill me and therefore I connect it to the fear of death and failure character mixed with a sense of victimization within my mind which generate a point of fear and resistance within myself in relation to conflict.

When and as I see myself within my imagination connecting a lot of people coming after me chasing me up trying to attack/kill me and thus connecting it to the fear of death and failure character like “fuck I gave up on myself” I stop, I breathe – I realize that I was expecting to stand within and during my childhood to that particular conflict and it’s like I gave up on myself and I ends up in isolation due the amount of conflict that I had in those years and as I stated before I wanted peace thus the only way that I could get peace was by isolate myself from everyone which I see that  conflict was the point that I didn’t want to face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to have expectation about  myself  during my childhood to stand up toward that specific conflict during my childhood/teenage years  with a sense of male ego connected to ‘I should have been strong’ in that moment when in fact I had no information nor even tools and I was a child, how could I stand to something without awareness? It’s not possible thus I see that I have created a point of self pity in the moment that I couldn’t stand my reality with conflict.

When and as I see myself having expectations about myself I stop, I breathe, I realize that by having expectation I’m in fact creating a idea of myself as a ‘I should’ or ‘I should do’ which is self manipulation as a demand instead of being here practically doing which is necessary to be done.

I commit myself to realize that expectations about myself as ”I should do’ goes with realization and understanding and physical facts thus and not with demands and self manipulation.

Back chat:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in the moment in my life generate a memory of fear in relation to conflict and specifically massive amount of conflict as ‘it’s too much, I can’t handle it as it’s impossible’ imprinted within myself in relation to conflict and my past with the fights in.

When and as I see myself believing and perceiving myself to be ‘too much or it’s impossible to stand to a massive amount of conflict I stop, I breathe -I realize that it’s because I have been taking things too personal which generated the point of making things more than they really are within myself and thus I generate the perception and idea of ‘it’s too much, I cannot stand conflict or massive amount of conflict within my life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to became really sensitive around conflict and connecting it to the past in my life and thus generate a point of sensibility towards conflict even when I’m having small amounts of conflict I generate within myself that connection in relation to my past and therefore I connect that fear to the present generating rejection towards the point of conflict as ‘I don’t want to go there within as my back chat’

When and as I see myself  within and as the back chat ‘I don’t want to go there, I stop, I breathe – I realize that by fearing conflict I’m declaring that conflict is ‘more than me’ and thus  making fear more than me when It’s in fact a distortion of the reality and in the moment that I make it ‘more than me’ I abdicate responsibility towards the point of conflict and thus making fear more than really is.

I commit myself in the moment that I face conflict, understand that now I have the tools to support myself and assist me in order to face conflict appropriately, thus there’s no need to fear conflict when I have the opportunity to assist and support myself with the tools in order to face it.

Reaction:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to react in fear mixed with a sense of ‘too muchness’ in the moment that I see myself within and as conflict connecting it to my past as the fear to recreate again that massive amount of conflict within my life if I dare to speak or if challenge something or someone.

When and as I see myself reacting in fear mixed with a sense of ‘too muchness’ in the moment that I see myself within and as conflict and so connecting it to my past as the fear to recreate again that massive amount of conflict within my life I stop I breathe – I realize that I have created the conflict because I acted in spiteful mood due lack of communication skills of that I could see in myself in my observations in relation to manipulation and depression, thus there’s no need to fear something that now I’m working with through writing and understanding and getting to know myself effectivly through self writing as self commnucation and through that I will eventually develop a effective communication in relation to what I see within and as specificity.Thus even if there’s conflict I direct myself within and as common sense here, not accepting and allowing to be drained by the fear of ‘too muchness’ which in my mind I have accepted and allowed to exist in the moment of conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe and perceive myself to be  lacking of communication skills when in fact I can communicate but I have generated conditionated my communication skills as something not accurate thus judging it as something not good enough but instead of practicing I went into a not recognized self pity and turned it into suppression and transforming it into a positive feeling within my imagination as a desire to reach instead of living practically in the physical here.

When and as I see myself believing and perceiving myself to be lacking of communication skills I stop, I breathe , I realize that by suppressing the emotions as self pity I never faced them directly thus I ran away from them in the moment that I didn’t accept the fact that I could just practice them thus I see and I realize and understand that I was in self pity mood within myself in ignorance and I can in fact by practing be accurate in my communication.

I commit myself to stablish a effective self communication through writing in specificity so I can in fact access every point in myself and in fact know myself for real because I realize that in the specificity one fact get to know one self for real.

Physical behaviour:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed react with the physical behaviour of tension within my phyiscal body and standing back within my posture and feeling a little of shaking in my hands like totally in a fearful mood and so I activate fear within myself in the moment that I face conflict and so create a total point of standing back within myself and so with the physical body as well.

When and as I see myself reacting with the physical behaviour of tension within my physical body and standing back within my posture with a little of shaking in my hands like totally in a fearful mood and so I active fear within myself in the moment that I face conflict , I stop, I breathe – I realize that conflict is neccesary to face myself and my own standing  and in the same time I support others with common sense in the moments that I face conflict because as I stated before there’s a lot of make belief in this world that must be challenged and I first start with myself.

I commit myself to in the moment within and as the physical behaviour of tension within my physical body and standing back within my posture and so within myself stop and breathe and thus direct the conversation into common sense always in all ways.

November 9, 2012 | Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: Body, definition, Desteni, discipline, distraction, Dreams, entertainment, fear, fear of conflict, feel positive, feeling, happiness, human nature, imagining, insanity, journey to life, justificaitons, limitation, positive experience, positivity, practical care, psychology, self reflection, system savvy, teaching, Writing Yourself to Freedom | Leave a comment