Childhood Magic, Being Special.

Continuing with the ‘Dimension of specialness’ in this blog I want to address the Elitist character that I have developed within my mind in years later in my teen age years within the definition of ‘I want to be special and I want to be more’  as the moment in my childhood that I wanted to be project myself as something mysterious,unpredictable, good entertainer so to speak.

I remember that the first thing that impress me was ‘magic’ as childhood after of course having that definition of myself as ‘I wanted to be more and special’ that I saw in the movie of Aladdin. My interest as child become really in attraction towards ‘magic’. I wanted to learn magic and eventually one of my uncles got me a mini set of magic in which of course as child naive I expected magic for real, I was really exciting in the moment that I got that minikit of magic. But, everything changed in the moment that I saw that magic involved a ‘trick’ because there were no real magic I felt a little sad within myself I compare the sadness that I felt the day that I discovered that ‘Santa Claus’ were my parents because the environment where I lived the first 9 years of my life were in the house of my grandmother due economic issues and as I commented before, my grandmother have a very ‘artistic character as his prominent presentation’, so every weekends had a a lot of cousins visits because was at that stage  a point of ‘habit’ in terms of the family to visit my grandmother.

I was the older of my cousins but by not much years there were a ‘ladder’ effect in terms of ages between my cousins  and I, 1 and 3 years the males, the females more than 5. So, this was a big family due my grandmother have 9 sons so you can imagine the amount of cousins and that I have and I was the older between them.

So, in relation to magic and the moment that I wanted to be special as magician because they had similarity to the ‘genius’ or the stereotype of genius that I wanted to be in the moment that I saw the movie of Aladdin. I wanted to learn magic and as I stated before I got a mini kit of magician just for kids nothing special. But I was very exciting because as I wrote early I thought that magic was for real as most of children believe for a while. So I was a child and I had a kit of magic and I found that magic involved tricks, I felt really disappointed but interested because of the ‘realization’ so to speak.  I started to play with stuffs just for fun, but I wasn’t good at it, my face always described that I was making a trick, I was not a good cheater as child, I couldn’t not contain the laughter while a making a trick because I knew that I was  ‘lying’.

I just forget about it, I gave the pieces of the magic between my cousins and I kept with one of the pieces. Then obviously I wanted to discover the tricks of the ‘magicians’ which is of course very common in every child that ‘discover this point of ‘magic’, then I forget about it, because I got bored of the magic stuff but of course something remained in myself in terms of the idea that I wanted to be obviously not in a conscious form I could say, because I wasn’t constantly thinking in that. It’s piece of information in order to recreate the ‘personality’ or character as the Elitist character. There were multiple characters in terms of television that influenced this point of ‘mysterious’ and Elitist’, for example one of those was “Ra’s al Ghul” which is the ‘mentor’ of ‘Batman’ where he’s all mysterious and immortal and is not very much seen in the series which captivated my attention because of that point of not be the ‘main character’ or seen but just there mixed with a sense of ‘power’ or “more than” the “main character” that was at least the perception that I got in the moment that I saw that character in the Batman series while child.

Another one was from the movie ‘The shadow’ where the main character was a retired warrior and drug dealer in the Tibet and then he found a monk in which he reads his mind and tells him, that he could redeem himself by using ‘his black heart’ to fight ‘evil’ then this character ends up like ‘psychic’ fighting against ‘the bad people’, which is another bit of information in terms of how I wanted to be psychic also because of this movie obviously connected to the mysterious and unpredictability.

Mysterious and magic was something that caused a lot of attraction for me, because I was really interested in that sense of specialness and ‘magic’ and wanting to be more, because I found my life ‘boring’ like there were nothing of that at all. I saw a lot of television when I was a child, a lot of movies and in way I was trying to find myself in some ‘movies’ lol. Yes, it’s the classical perspective of the child reaching the teen age years and wanted to know  ‘who I’m’,  so the self definition of myself were based basically in movies, where I built the personalities in order to create that sense of moreness and mysterious and unpredictable.

So in order to create a list chronologically as much as I remember in the movies and characters that I have developed in my life, lets start with the movie of ‘Rambo’, this character as the ‘warrior’ character was connected to the character that I started to use in school, specifically in order to create a sense of protection towards myself from the others children because as I have wrote before in others blogs, I had a bad relationship with others children specially in the first years of school, I used this character to feel or perceive myself as someone ‘strong’ and brave. Lol, I remember how I used to copy the gesture of face and voice of the ‘character’ Rambo when I had 7/8 years old in order ‘to activate’ the character, it was something really funny because I saw myself in total set or in “scene” within my mind in those moments like really believing that  I was Rambo in fact,  just by copying his body language.

Another will be from the movie “back to future” where perceived a sense of spontaneousness from the character  and because I saw this character something ‘funny’ and I generally compared myself to the movie characters, because that’s what I lived, I watched a lot of television movies and series and I compared myself to characters. It’s because  I never saw anything ‘interesting’ in myself and that’s the first reason of why I was comparing myself to movie characters and looking for ‘something’ ‘interesting’ outside of myself in order to create ‘the interesting’ thing’ outside of myself. So in fact I can really say I never ‘lived’ as myself because I was constantly creating characters in order to activate during certain tasks or when meeting people. I always lived in self doubt of myself, like if never could trust myself in doing something or meeting people. I was completely possessed by the failure character.

Well that’s related to the ‘useless character’ or ‘diminishment character’ that was the predominant force within myself that was the core of my self sabotage, so I see that, in relation to ‘wanting to be more’ and  do not want ‘to be ordinary’ is connected to want to be ‘someone interesting’ in terms of my expression or behavior it’s like I never saw myself as a good ‘communicator’ yet in the same time there were this “force” wanting to communicate and express that was always there, but I saw myself as ‘not good at it’ and of course caused  suppression through copy others behaviors and body languages that I considered as ‘interesting’ in order to ‘perceive myself as interesting person in which of course I failed quite hard in terms of copying and reproduce it through social interaction, because it was really noticeable for me that I was ‘acting’ because of the amount of
switches of personalities that I had and it became a force in a way.

So I see that the cause and the reason of everything was ‘self judgment’ due not wanting to express myself out of the ‘fear’ of doing it wrong which as far I remember the first time that I judged myself and I didn’t want to express it was when I was very child I remember that I was talking to a adult probably my uncles and I remember that I was judging the sound of my voice as child because of course when one is child the voice and speaking doesn’t come ‘clear’ because of course of lack of practice,  I see that It’s like I wanted to be ‘good in things’ without practice them, interesting, because it has some connection in relation to ‘magic’ and mysterious character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect the character of the series of Batman as
Ra’s al Ghul to a positive value within my mind connected to a sense of mysterious and power as something interesting in my mind and thus save it within and as a piece of information in order to create as I wanted to ‘project’ myself onto others.

When and as I see myself wanting to be ‘interesting’ as mysterious and powerful in order to project myself in that specific way I stop, I breathe within the realization that I’m suppressing myself through acting as a character as the Elitist Character thus it’s of course not acceptable because it would imply that I’m judging myself and thus abusing myself just by the sake of fearing  expressing myself as who I’m as the physical here.

I commit myself to in the moment that I see and perceive myself activating the mysterious character   realize that I’m fearing myself  and thus within that realization I stop and I breathe and direct myself to communicate express/interact within any kind of self deception mechanism of defense that protects fear as the ‘mysterious character’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect the character of the movie ‘The shadow’ within and as the ‘psychic’ elitist character mixed with mysterious and power within my mind.

When and as I see myself wanting to be more and special within and as the psychic elitist character I stop, I realize that it’s a form of mechanism of defense in order to prevent myself to face my own fear of not expressing myself here without any kind of bullshit self belief that protects the
inferiority in which I have accepted and allowed to exist.

I commit myself to in the moment that I see myself activating the psychic elitist character as wanting to know things about other people with the starting point of feeling myself special without any kind of  real support to others through that information, realize that it’s destructive and deceptive and within that direct myself to no allow such thing to possess myself for the sake of protect the fear of communicate/interact here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect the character of the movie ‘back to future’ with a sense of spontaneousness as funny within my mind and from that  present it in the moment within socializing with people specially during my childhood years where I presented this character in order to express myself as ‘funny’ and thus create this point of separation of myself through a character as the ‘movie character’ as funny in order to project myself in that certain way but in fact I was hiding the fear within myself through utilizing a character as funny in order to protect myself without realizing that in fact I was protecting fear.

When and as I see myself activating a character as funny in order to project myself towards others as way to be liked or look interesting for others I stop, I breathe – within the realization that by placing value in wanting to be liked or to look ‘interesting’ I’m judging myself as no be able to be interesting so to speak and thus create a point of separation as the negative polarity in myself therefore connect and place the positive value in my mind in the character and through that putting in place the components necessary in order to generate energy within my mind which obviously supports patterns of self abuse.

Dimension 1:

Fear:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear to express myself here without a mind character that supports the separation that I have accepted and allowed to exist through fear and so access the character as funny in order to hide the fear that I have in fact living in myself as fearing to express myself as me here.

When and as I see myself accessing the ‘funny’ character as a form of escape of my fear I stop, I breathe within the realization that I’m utilizing that character as a mechanism of defense in order to protect my own fear of expressing myself here without the funny character because i consider  that without the funny character I’m not able to communicate or express which in fact is not truth because it’s just a matter of expressing one self here without any kind of self definition in the moment of expressing but of course self direction within and as communicating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to in the moment as child while speaking to a adult generate a judgment to the articulation of my month and sounding of the words as ‘not good’ and thus fear emerged in the moment that I judged myself and from that moment I chose to suppress myself into a shy character as ‘I don’t want to speak’ to adults because I didn’t want to look ‘foolish’ and from there create the negative value to myself as speaking and thus the starting point of fear to communicate was because I wanted to not look ‘foolish’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear to look foolish in communication and therefore suppress myself through judging myself and within that activate the justification as ‘I’m more than this’ conversation or those words’ as a way to no face my own fear and inferiority and in fact creating the foolishness within my mind as the ‘I’m more than’ just by the fact of not wanting to face a silly fear.

When and as I see myself fearing to look foolish in communication I stop I breathe within the realization that I have many times faced this point of foolishness into communication thus that I fear is the fear in itself because I have faced many times this point of foolishness into communication and yet I have hold on that fear without learning from it, which makes me see that in a way I have defined myself as ‘this fear’ as ‘it’s who I’m’  thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed define myself as the fear of look foolish in and as communication and therefore hold into that fear believing and perceiving that the fear is me when in fact it’s a illusion that I have placed above myself.

I commit myself to in the moment that I hold into fear remind me that fear is not who really I’m but a illusion that within my participation I keep alive and thus, I’m the one that align myself into fear and not that ‘fear’ is me or define me, I’m the one the define myself as fear.

Dimension 2:

Thought:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think in the moment that I face a ‘foolishness’ moment within and as conversation activate within myself the picture of myself holding my face as i connected to fear and shame of myself  without realizing that in fact I’m in those moments living in and as a character looking for control in outcomes in communication through projecting a positive ‘face’ of myself in order to generate the outcome that I want from that person and thus I realize and understand that it’s self manipulation in which I have participated while communicating as always wanting to please others through a positive image of myself through communication and within that pleasing generate a good feeling about myself as If were a ‘good person’ when in fact I’m abusing myself inside in the moment that I hide my fear through the positive image within and as myself.

When and as I see myself wanting to please others with the starting point of wanting to generate a positive feeling about myself as ‘good person’/positive image I stop, I breathe within the realization that by projecting a false image of myself as a positive image I’m not changing myself but protecting fear and deceiving others and myself in the moment that I allow to present a false image to others and thus I direct myself to direct the communication without manipulating myself and others into something that I’m not in fact.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to please others within the realization that by pleasing others through a positive image with the starting point of wanting to feel good about myself I’m deceiving myself and others in the moment that I allow to be possesed by the fear of not want to be foolish when in fact by  presenting a false image I’m acting a foolish way because I’m deceiving myself and others.

Dimension 3:

Back Chat:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in the moment while child as the adult judge my tonality of voice and articulation of the words that I was speaking as ‘foolish’ and therefore suppress myself within and as the back chat ‘No I don’t want to talk now’ mixed with shyness within my mind generating that starting point of self judgment towards myself which accumulated during the years as the ‘fear to communicate due self judgment of doing it wrong’.

When and as I see myself judging myself in communication and placing value to communication I stop I breathe I realize that I have placed value to fear and self definition of myself as fear and therefore I have created this point of separation towards myself and others by judging myself and so create a projection of superiority through characters in order to create a bridge of communication in order to be able to ‘communicate’ due the amount of fear that I had to myself which I have projected onto others but in fact was my self judgment of wanting to do things ‘good from the beginning’ which is of course not as the reality works.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow to judge myself while and during communication because I have seen and understood the consequences of such action through suppressing myself and creating specific characters in order to not face myself and hide myself through them generating abuse to myself in the moment that I suppressed myself.

Dimension 4

Imagination:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to imagine in my mind the positive image within my mind as something interesting as mysterious and unpredictable in order to not face the fear of communicate me here, normally because of the fear to do it wrong or to look foolish and pathetic and therefore create the ‘positive’ ‘image’ of myself as mysterious and unpredictable in order to hide my own fear to communicate as me here without realizing that I was in fact perpetuating, prolonging, postponing. The inevitable as myself as that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to not realize that by fearing to communicate I have created a variety of characters as mysterious , unpredictable , funny which ends up in the ‘spiritual character’ as the ‘Elitist character’ as a positive image in order to hide the initial fear that I had and in myself during my whole life, the fear of express and communicate as myself and not as a character.

When and as I see myself accessing the ‘positive image’ within my mind as something interesting as mysterious and unpredictable in order to not face the fear of communication but utilizing a character in order to face my fear I stop, I breathe – I realize that by fearing  to communicate I have created a variety of characters in order to hide and suppress one single silly fear in which in fact I have faced many times which was the point of having situations where I made mistakes and looked funny or silly or foolish but under and as a character and therefore I never correct it as myself but as   ‘the positive image’ of myself which in fact is not a correction but a suppression.

Dimension 5:

Reaction:

I forgive myself that I have accepted to react in the moment while speaking to the adult with shyness and self diminishment mixed with a sensation of funny/innocent moment in my mind.

When and as I see myself reacting with shyness in a moment of communication I stop, I breathe – I realize that shyness is self judgment accepted as ‘normal’ and funny specially while one is child but in fact it’s self abusive and generate consequences that are not good for self at all.

Physical behavior:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to in the moment with the adult while speaking react physically with my shoulders up and my head down like hiding myself in shyness  and within that activate the back chat ‘I don’t want to talk’ right now and remain silent while running away slowly to another place.

When and as I see myself avoiding to communicate with someone just by the possession of shyness I stop I breathe – I realize that by accepting and allowing to posses myself by shyness in that moment I’m accepting and allowing to recreate the same pattern of abuse which of course it’s not acceptable a all.

I commit myself to no longer participate en shyness because I see and I realize the consequence of that ‘shyness’ can really create if one hold into that specific self judgment creating patterns of isolating, delirious of grandeur and specialness as a accumulative effect by the fact of suppressing one self.

Expectations/Isolation.

Expectations/Isolation.

So continuing with the previous blog in relation to the Elitist character as the characters that I have created of myself in order to face the fear of myself in communication and therefore I make and generate the characters as mechanism of defense that protects the fear that I have hold into myself until the point of isolation where I just give up on myself in terms of never living up or catching up those expectations where in relation to my ideals that I had in relation to how to be a good communicator and how to express myself ‘effectively’ the expectation that I have created were in relation to one of my uncles where I followed his body language as a form of example because I saw him as very effective in communication, spontaneous and expressive very good communicator to my perspective. I have created this point following my uncle as my example in relation to communication and effectiveness.

So that I did was to create a replica of their expression and communication but never with the same result it was impossible even I had tried so effectively copying it, it was not the same result I never succeeded in terms of being effective on it , I was just failing hard on it never putting it ‘right’ so to speak.

Because it was not ‘natural’ I was just copying the person behavior and re producing it as myself in order to ‘be’ effective or at least perceive myself effective lol.

So I have created in first place the ideals of how a good communicator should be and I inserted lot of expectative in myself in relation to that. What kind of tonality, the body posture, gesture, you name it, everything from the perspective of being effective as one of my uncle was, I wanted to be like him in that point. I had put a lot of effort and energy into that copy mechanism in order to be that effective communicator that I wanted to be, yet it was not natural because it was as I wrote earlier, not real, effective.

I saw myself as If I was failing hard on everything in my life,almost everything was not going well with exception of karate, where I was going effective according to my teacher and other people, but I never put a single thought of projection or expectation in karate I was just doing it and that was all.

I see that expectation were killing myself slowly but surely until I really started to give up in myself because I could not be good as my uncle and effective as my uncle in communication.

The expectations that I have put myself into was the point of well, being good communicator but specifically in relation to please others or entertain others.

What one of my uncles represented for me was the self confidence while communicating the good entertainer since he has that charisma by ‘nature’ to entertain people.

Why is that I wanted to entertain people? It’s because I could not have a good communication with other children and so I became this point of copy mechanism in order to may be have some difference in my relationship with other children and that was the point of motivation, the necessity for absorb and duplicate the characters that I played during my life as the mysterious and unpredictable and the body language that I copied from my uncle in order to have that point of communication with other children.

One memory that came up in relation to this point of giving up on myself was when I got a accident while using skateboarding at my 12 years old and in that I broke in half the two of my maxillary teeth, which in that stage my family could not afford a good ‘fix’ of the teeth, so I was quite uncomfortable in those years then eventually I drooped karate I felt totally devastated because of the uncomfortable that I was in that stage and due I stopped exercising I felt the physical depression that one feel when stopping exercising plus the uncomfortable that I felt in the moment that I had that bad fix. In that stage I had accumulated quite amount conflict in my life as I had mention in other blogs and so I had ‘the world’ against me, my world against me, which of course was the consequence of that I made for myself with the fear, the impulsiveness the unpredictability that I was developing as my personalities, and so I could not stand the conflict the uncomfortably the depression that I felt, I could not laugh anymore nor even express myself anymore. Everything was failing hard. I became serious because I felt that got a ‘big lesson’ in relation to my impulsiveness and unpredictability. I saw myself as destructive and I wanted to stop that but I didn’t know how to, so I chose to suppress myself through a serious personality in order to stop the ‘other me’ and of course I gave up totally the ‘expectation’ as good communicator, everything of that was gone.

From that moment specifically I started to isolate myself in the ‘search’ for peace of my own self created world. My own consequence I would say.

And so I isolate myself in order to stop all conflict so I could at least have some peace to recover myself so to speak. So I did that, I mean I spoke with people it was inevitable, I could not just isolate myself completely but I became silent through suppressing myself with the fear of say something impulsively stupid that could generate conflict again.

Then the years came until the last teen age years where I started to set certain rules in order to interact with people which were basically based in distance as the personality ‘distant’. I became vegetarian because I thought that was one of the reasons of my physical heaviness that I felt which of course was not so, but physically I felt better.

I have challenged this point through eating some meat but by preference I kept the vegetates just because of preference (it’s a point that I have to re-explore again).

So I kept that, in that stage was when I started the ‘spiritual path’, it’s fascinating as one start to hide oneself from the reality of self through the positive character as the spiritual character in order to run away from self, when the truth is not nice at all and the choices that one have made in fear are the ones that determine the consequence of one self in the end in the accumulative effect.

I see as I have fucked up almost everything by fear and expectative of myself and projections , it’s like very obvious to me as I have been abusing myself in that circle of suppression and fear and consequence which leads to more consequences that are not good for self at all as the isolation.

So I want to bring about the point specifically the memory of the accident with the skateboard.

The memory starts while being really bored with nothing to do, it was in the summer of the year 2001 approximately and I was being in vacation and so I was using a skateboard with the ‘gang’ of neighbors in which I had a good relationship so ‘called friendship’ so to speak, and so in that stage we used to put some challenges to ourselves while using the skateboard, one of them where to execute a Ollie toward another skate in order to practice that specific ‘trick’.Yes, the impulsive Damian was there without looking for the consequences of my actions, by the impulsiveness of the act I decided to just go and pick the Ollie and then by the miscalculation of my right foot I gave that smooth kick too earlier and so my entire body went towards the skate and so my face too went into the skate as the object that was supposedly avoided through the trick.

The consequence of this was that I ended up with the two maxillary teeth broken in half and that’s all, fortunately nothing more happened to myself. I was shocked I mean, in a moment I thought that I was dreaming because I couldn’t believe that happened in a single moment without pain , because I didn’t feel pain at all and the other parts of my face were just fine not pain or injury, it was the most strange accident that I had in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to set my uncle as someone to follow as a ‘model’ to copy and replicate because I saw that how he was a good entertainer to my perception and so I wanted to be like him in the skill of communication without in fact understand how communication works or even enjoy the communication as I just wanted to be ‘good’ at it without understanding the details and the ‘how to’ and so create a obsession in relation to be a good entertainer which ended in self suppression the moment that I went into copy mechanism.

When and as I see myself utilizing copy mechanism with the starting point of create a mechanism of defense as escape as a way to run away from the fear of communicate here as me I stop, I breathe within the realization that by allowing fear I support the illusions to rule over me as the excuses and justification that I have placed into the expectation as the necessity to be a good in communication in order to communicate which I see now that I was wanting to be ‘the big thing’ without giving the baby steps in order to in fact move as myself in communication and so learn from my own participation in order to improve thus to allow copy mechanism with the starting point in separation from self only will recreate the same pattern of self suppression which is of course not acceptable.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to fall into copy mechanism as the excuse and justification in order to hide from myself through characters that in consequence caused the suppression of myself and so allow myself to communicate here as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to in the moment with the skateboard in the hand with the decision of jump the table, activate the impulsiveness of acting without looking for the consequences of my action which of course included my own physical integrity.

I commit myself to transform my impulsiveness into a act of self direction where I direct that impulsiveness as self initiative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to put charisma in separation of myself as and through a character as funny and ironic character mostly ironic character where mixed with the impulsiveness generated a energetic automatic response as ‘aggressive’ generating the contrary effect in myself in the moment of communication with others as the result of the copy mechanism and observation of my environment.

When and as I see myself trying to be ‘charismatic’ by force and not by self expression I stop I breathe within the realization that by wanting to be charismatic I’m in fact suppressing myself by a character as the funny and ironic character with impulsiveness and aggressiveness which of course is abusive for myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define and thus live the word charisma as being explosively sarcastic.

When and as I see myself living the word charisma as explosively sarcastic I stop, I breathe within the realization that charisma is not being explosively sarcastic and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define explosively sarcastic as being “funny” as the treat that I had with other children and so believe and perceive that it’s funny to be explosively sarcastic when it’s not and in fact it’s spiteful and abusive.

I commit myself to no longer participate in the definition of the word charisma as explosively sarcastic because I see and I realize and understand the consequences of such definition through spiting others in the name of a character as being funny.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define charisma with a positive value within my mind connected to the image of joker as being spiteful as something funny and acceptable within my mind.

When and as I see myself acting in a explosively sarcastic way within myself I stop I breathe within the realization that I’m in fact acting in a spiteful mood thus I see and I realize and understand that it’s not acceptable to fall in such creation within myself because it’s abusive for myself and for others thus I allow myself to in as the moment of activation of such character breathe through it until it’s gone and investigate if there’s any self definition into that particular character as still holding within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to chose to suppress myself in the moment that I consider myself as destructive and thus place a negative polarity within myself creating more consequence though isolating myself in my own personal world.

When and as I see myself suppressing myself through self judgment as being destructive or inadequate I stop , I breathe within the realization that now I have the tools to deal with my abusive patterns therefore I can now use the tools in order to keep myself clean of all burden.

I commit myself to no longer suppress myself and bring it all back to myself in the moment that I see that there’s something abusive within myself through writing self forgiveness and the respective corrective application.

So in relation to Isolation and the reason of why I have chose to isolate myself from people, it’s because primary by the realization that during that accident I saw myself as dangerous and destructive to myself, so I will write the moment after the accident in slow motion in order to see as much as I can.

After the accident I was in shock for a couple of days, I felt like If I lost something I was quiet and very calm which was unusual because as child-teen age I was very energetic ‘personality’ always doing something physically like playing soccer or in karate, using bicycle for many hours.

I become quiet and calm as the primary reason may be because of the shock of the accident and my own surprise in relation to it, so after I fixed the teeth which didn’t end as I used to have, the fix consisted in a sheaths and those sheaths were positioned a little inwards the mouth, not much, but the millimeters are really noticeable in the mouth, so that caused a lot of discomfort in myself because of the slight friction between the incisors teeth and the bottom teeth, besides the material of the ‘sheaths’ were quite fragile and easy to broke which obviously triggered many fears in relation ‘what if’ I mean, ‘What if’ the sheaths got broken while school and that’s became a ‘insecurity’ within my mind besides of the discomfort that I had in those years, my own insecurity in relation to that never happened but it was a constant backdrop in myself as the ‘what if’ and it was very time consuming in terms of my ‘thinking’ while school, because you don’t know, I mean as male I was generally in time to time ‘fighting’ with others males because that’s what happen in most public schools.

I had put a lot of emphasis in terms of ‘being healthy’ or look healthy so for me it was as another broken expectation because I didn’t even feel healthy and in terms of the picture I didn’t look healthy, because it was ‘part’ of the combo as the expectation of being a ‘good communicator’, the picture was one component of the communication or at least that was the observation that I had archived within myself.

So I felt very insecure within myself in those years because of that point but at the same time I had to face that conflict that I had built due my own impulsiveness, it was like ‘too much’ consequence. I could not stand it at all.

With the realization that my impulsiveness was something very self harming because of all the consequence that I had generated in my reality due to that point, I decided to suppress it, but not only that, I suppressed myself totally, I started to speak less and less with people, which obviously generated a surprise because I wasn’t a serious boy, I had lost in that stage the ‘shyness’ that I was holding into childhood and I became like more expressive and communicative yet( all under characters) I was impulsive and very self righteous, easy to get mad because obviously I was suppressing myself and not in fact communicate that really was happening in myself in terms of ‘in fact’ communicate. All the communication were always based superficial topics, never in fact putting myself ‘out of myself’ into words and communicate.

So from very energetic personality I turned into a ‘low energetic’ state like I was not really interested in communicate, because my expectation were broken and lost, so I didn’t want to communicate anymore I was ‘broken’ so to speak and so my interest to communicate.

In those years of observation because I started to become a observer rather than a participant, I saw a lot of some thing in terms of the relationships between humans that I was not really noticing before, which was the point of ‘convenience’ and relationships, I was in a very low state energetic and I saw people, the teenagers around me so ‘happy’, so energetic and I could not feel that anymore, I was dead alive so to speak.

So I noticed that every action from the people was because of an interest, it was something that I started to see in my childhood but I had forgotten, I mean I saw that every interaction between humans were based in a interest, so I started to observe within my mind. What’s the interest of the persons?. Well in those years while teen age, I saw that every communication was because of interest, something that the person needed, there’s always something, there’s always a interest.

Then, when people approached me, the question always arrived within my mind. What’s the interest. I must find his/her interest. It took it very in a negative way, because I considered interactions as something what you do because of your ‘unconditionally’, obviously that was my belief because I was not in act living into that completely. Sometimes I did just by the fact of feeling guilty in terms of that I saw and what I was living. But not as a realization in fact, I was purely projecting my own personal world into others with the point of the interest.

Unfortunately I took this non sense very seriously which ended in more separation, more isolation because I started to become arrogant and distant which caused a interesting effect, because people started to ‘respect me’ which was the most ludicrous effect that I had seen in my life.

In my inside I felt really confused because; how could be somehow respected and even have more attention by being arrogant and distant?. I made a comparison of myself before the arrogant and distant personality and the impulsive ‘funny’ so to speak personality, I saw that I was very pleaser and that probably caused some how of disturb in the people minds, at least that was the ‘reason’ that I found in those years in terms of understand why I was getting the reverse results what I wanted to get, because when I wanted to be a communicator, hell was in my face so to speak, then when I want to be alone, the people started to come, it was like nonsense. Anyway, I wanted to be alone and pushed the point because for me everyone was behind a interest, so why to bother to communicate? , that was the pattern of thinking.

I mean I was absolutely wanting to control the outcomes, that’s something that I really see now.

So I developed a bossy personality as the self righteous personality as ‘Fuck, I’m right’, ‘I know the people truth’. ‘I know how the relationships works’ lol, just because I saw a few things, the whole ego righteous started to emerge, which obviously caused the more self definition as ‘I must be alone’ or ‘alone I’m fine’.

Time moved, I remained with my isolated personality until my 16 where I changed the school to high school and I meet new people, where I started to open myself again because they started to invite me and join them, I didn’t understand the reason, I didn’t see the interest there were absolutely nothing that I could give to them. They were a group of being multi talented from drawings to music and sculpting, creating comics , creating their own lyrics etc. All of them which were approximately 8/7 sometime 9, all of them already knew themselves from childhood it’s like a ‘gang’ that joined together to high school.

Eventually I started to open myself and to share myself, share my views about the world and god etc but I was still into not wanting to completely open myself in terms of I was still desiring some isolation, because I had realized that I liked to be ‘alone’ so to speak, but I was never alone in fact, completely, it not true, it’s not possible.

One can never be alone in fact, physically speaking. One can create the make belief of ‘I’m alone’ in order to generate that experience within the mind, but physically it was not so.

I was really possessed by the habit of being isolated and eventually I dropped all the contact with those people because I had the habit to drop people and just be alone in my own so to speak. I didn’t like as we live today specially in terms teenage years because everything in those ages and even beyond is about going into clubs and get drunk and stoned and those things never got my interest at all, I didn’t like to communicate or express in others ‘stages’ it was really fake, I had enough with ‘fake’ things in my life in terms of how had lived those years with my characters wanting to please others.

So for me was a attitude “fuck it all” there’s nothing good in terms of being stoned or drunk and be sociable in those mind states. I didn’t even need to ‘try it’ in order to see that, I would rather to in fact know each other without masks as characters within the mind, it’s all about fear. I understand because I lived as those masks as those characters in order to protect myself, but no anymore I don’t want to live a fake life. It’s not worth it.

I ended up isolating myself again but the point of ‘convenience’ changed within myself because those beings show me that it’s not completely like that. What there’s people that like share themselves without interest o may be less interest, so the point in myself changed I wasn’t anymore that self righteous on that point of view.

So I’m going to walk the dimensions of out it.

Dimension.

Fear:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to in the moment after the accident give a lot of value to ‘look healthy’ or my picture presentation in relation to communication because I saw it as a component essential in relation to be ‘effective on it’ and thus live within and as my whole teenage years with the insecurity of losing or breaking my teeth while and during class with the specific fear of being ridiculed.

When and as I see myself giving value or importance to ‘how I see myself or how ‘I look’ I stop I breathe within the realization that I can just communicate here without the necessity to portray myself in a certain way in order to control the outcome of the communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear to be ridiculed and denigrated because it would imply that I have to live with that ‘mark’/ event within my memories, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear to generate memories that contain some form of shame or regret within my mind as being ridiculed because of the extent that the mind can reproduce it in a overwhelming experience and so being overwhelmed by the mind.

When and as I see myself fearing my own mind as the repetition that one memory can bring into the mind I stop, I breathe – I realize that I’m one that decide if participate or not in fact, therefore I’m the one that decides to in fact be participant in the memory that the mind automatically pop ups in order to obtain energy to maintain the certain self definition as the preference for being isolated or some excuse to isolate myself which is not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear my own mind as the repetition of the disk as the mind recreate and replay within the mind the memories from a perspective as third person — without realizing that in the moments that I have lived the memory that the mind recreate and replay I’m in and as participant therefore the memory as a observer of my own participation in a moment in my life is a form of illusion/trick that the mind utilize in order to place a ‘opinion’ about the memory or generate conflict with the memory displayed in order to obtain energy.

When and as I see myself believing and perceiving that my observation within and during a moment with my mind activating a certain memory in my mind as a observer of the moment/circumstance stop, I breathe – I realize that it’s not real to ‘observe my own memories’ in terms of an observer as third person when in fact I have been a participant in the moment circumstance that the mind activate therefore I see and I realize and understand that I’m the one that define myself according to a memory and therefore to a illusion, because any memory is the past as a observer of the past.

I commit myself to live the realization that memories do not define me but I’m the one that holds the definition towards memories therefore I see and I realize that it’s my attachment to memories that’s the reason for the participation and so continuation of the memory/memories within my mind in terms of it’s value as positive or negative.

Dimension 2:

Thought:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to in and as during in school in teen age years hold the picture of myself with the teeth broken during a class period and so create insecurity in myself in terms of my communication with others and so utilize that starting point as way to avoid communication by the fear of such event could occur within my reality and so be ridiculed by other people as being lambasted.

When and as I see myself fearing to be lambasted I stop, I breathe – I realize that being ‘lambasted’ imply that I’m reacting to the words being projected unto me by other people therefore that I fear are my own reactions and no the words spoken by other people, thus I see and realize that I’m the one that can lambaste myself in my own mind which obviously is self abuse and not acceptable therefore I investigate the reactions of the words in which I perceive to be as lambasting.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to fall into insecurities within my mind through investigating the insecurities and as well the reactions that could trigger the point of being Lambasted.

Dimension 3:

Back Chat:

Specific Decision back chats in relation to isolation.

1- I don’t want to communicate what if something happen and I end up breaking the sheaths. – Accessing imagination of my sheaths broken in front of the people. Activating fear. Decision took to no communicate due fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to in and as the moment during my teen age years after the accident with the skate, create, activate a point of insecurity within myself as ‘I don’t want to communicate WHAT IF something happen and I ends up breaking the sheaths and through that activate the fear of communication as one of the building blocks of the personality distant and arrogant.

When and as I see myself activating a back chat as ‘What if’ in decision making in relation to communication I stop, I breathe I realize that ‘What if’ specifically to choose to communicate or not with other human being when in fact I want to communicate is a habit that I developed thus I see and I realize that to undo the habit I must communicate and don’t fall in to the what if within my mind.

I commit myself to in and as the moment that I active the back chat ‘What If’ stop and breathe I realize that by placing value to ‘what if’ specially during communication I’m generating an obstruction to myself as wanting to communicate but by habit I retract myself which is not acceptable thus I direct myself in and as breath with common sense and I do not allow to any mental bullshit to chain myself into the same patterns.

2- Fuck, I’m right’, ‘I know the people truth’. ‘I know how the relationships works’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to in and as during teen age years specifically after the accident half and year ago to be precisely and within my observations of how people interacted in those years generate a apparent realization within and as the back chat ‘Fuck, I’m right’, ‘I know the people truth’. ‘I know how the relationships works’ and so give the first building block and acceptance of the self righteous personality distant and arrogant personality based in superiority just by that tiny ‘realization’ between my teen age years.

When and as I see myself creating a point of self righteous towards any realization as “I’m right”, I stop , I breathe – I realize that by placing value to the belief that ‘I’m right’ I’m in fact creating a superiority idea of something that is and must be practical here simple and open therefore, I do not accept and allow to fall into a superiority complex by any realization that could support separation instead of practicality.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to live within the separation in my mind as and through ideas of ‘I’m right’ when I’m fact I’m not so, because to be ‘right’ imply that I’m aware of every point thus to be ‘right’ in fact is to present my awareness within and as a solution that support everyone equally as that’s the only way that I can in fact say that ‘I’m right’.

Dimension 4:

Imagination:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to in the moment and during teen age years imagine within my mind the possibility of being with my teeth broken and so generate the insecurity of being broken during school and so react with fear the moment that I saw that such possibility could be and manifest in my world and reality in any moment and so generate fear within my self the moment that I accessed imagination which in accumulation with my expectations broken in relation to be a good communicator gave as result the total giving up in myself in relation to communication throwing away everything by fear and failed expectations.

When and as I see myself having expectations about myself I stop, I breathe – I realize that the consequence by having expectations about myself are to fly away in things that are not here physically done and so generate the negative value and experience in my reality and the positive in my ‘expectation’, thus when the ‘hope’ to become that expectation is broken one falls into the negative value placed in and as the reality, so it’s not beneficial to have expectative about myself but walk the moment with myself and not fall into the projections that are not physically here.

I commit myself to no longer support any future projection or expectation but walk the moment here directing myself , my reality and not fall into delusion that only generate negatives and positives values and so separation within myself through living in two separated worlds as the projection and the reality which only leads to failure of the own expectations.

Dimension 5:

Reaction:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to in and as the moment during teen age years react within and as fear in the the moment that I saw within my mind the insecurities of myself as being with my sheaths broken in and during school and so opt by not communicate just by the fear of being in a situation where that fear could manifest and as consequence I chose to not communicate by the insecurities of the mind as being in a funny position as ridiculed by others.

When and as I see myself fearing to be ridiculed by others I stop, I breathe I realize that there’s nothing to fear when I have the tools in order to support my own reactions towards ‘being ridiculed’ and in fact I cannot be ridiculed because that’s a acceptance and allowance of myself to define myself as ‘being ridiculed’ which is my own acceptance and allowance and thus it’s no acceptable to fall into that particular self victimization.

I commit myself to live the realization that I’m the one that accept and allow to be ‘ridiculed’ in fact and none can do it, because I see and I realize that I must be the one that accept and define myself according to the external inputs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to react with anger in the moment that I saw the interest while and during relationship with people and so in that moment utilized anger as a point of support and building block to the personality arrogant and distant.

When and as I see myself utilizing anger as point of self righteousness I stop, I breathe – I realize that by placing value on anger in wrong way as a form of self righteousness I generated a form of

empowerment in relation to the self definition that I was holding into as the self righteousness personality and so I realize that anger can be directed through resistance if necessary but not through reenforcement of patterns based in self definition.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to fall into the self definition as self righteousness because I see and I realize the consequence that brings that self definition based in a simple observation as apparent realization within myself.

Dimension 6

Consequence:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define myself as ‘I must be alone’ within my mind as the consequence and result of all the observation and events that happened in that moment during teen age years and so generate the point isolation the moment that accepted and allowed to fall in expectations within my mind, therefore I see and I realize and understand as my expectation ruined everything in relation to communication to such that extent that I ended up in the complete opposite roll within my mind as the personality distant arrogant and I isolated because I considered myself that I was unable to communicate without my expectation.

When and as I see myself defining myself as ‘I must be alone’ I stop , I breathe I realize that by defining myself as ‘I must be alone’ I’m recreating the same pattern of being isolated which is not acceptable at all because of the consequence that generated for myself to follow that self definition which is based in fear by not able to control outcomes .

I commit myself to no allow myself to define myself as ‘I must be alone’ because I see and realize as I have fucked myself in my social and communication skills in relation to this point just by follow my own fear and self righteousness. Therefore, I allow myself to undo the pattern of isolated in to communication through communicate with myself through writing and others and in fact live without fear nor expectations.

IGNORANCE is BLISS /Fear of Conflict

IGNORANCE is BLISS /Fear of Conflict

After a few days of being in another home because of the rent contract finished with the other house , I started to have within my imagination a point of melancholia in relation to old house which at the same time a WTF is going on with me emerged because I usually didn’t have that kind of thought before , I have suppressed them very well that I didn’t even notice them.

I see that in a way I’m generating this point of attachment to things which I usually forget with the time because of adaptability, but I see that I’m generating emotions and feelings connected to the old house. I see that for example in my imagination, all the memories coming up in relation to  how I  came to this house when I moved from my old city that I connected to feelings within my mind as something new and the same time at that stage I started to participate with desteni and the whole sense of change was connected to the old house obviously with a sense of positivity.

Let’s start with the positivity in relation to the idea of the process as something ‘positive’ in my perception.

Well for me I didn’t see it as something ‘positive’/really positive but when I started to apply self forgiveness I started to notice the release of the compounding baggage within myself thus I create for a moment a sense of  ‘positivity’ in relation to process as something ‘nice’ or positive , so obviously eventually with the realization that self forgiveness wasn’t a point of nice experience but a statement of release and responsibility, my perception about the process obviously changed into what’s it now and that’s all. Ofcourse there were moments were I felt that I was doing something substantial with my life and I  felt good about myself but again are just ‘phases’ in the process or at least that’s how I see it.

In relation to suppression and the positive feelings, in myself, the prominent aspect was the point of feelings more than emotions. I generally suppressed the emotions and focused mainly into the feelings. It’s fascinating because I did this even before to enter in the spirituality realm and positive thinking. Why?. Because in my mind  I’m quite extreme, I always tend to go into extreme, so I didn’t like in myself the point of ‘self pity’ that I always felt when one emotion emerged within myself. Every time I fell in self pity in myself I became really angry that the same anger throw me out of self pity, so it’s quite difficult for me to fell in self pity because self pity trigger anger in myself, because I feel like I’m  really diminishing myself deliberately and basically trapping myself into that emotion due as I said before my mind configuration is little extreme, so , my lack of self control was something that I feared in myself and I never liked nor I even believed that such thing as being depressed was something ‘real’ for me, I saw depression as also any form of ‘sadness’ a way of manipulation  in order to get something for someone. This realization came up when I was a child and I was observing one of my ‘friends’ of the school how he crying and all sad in order to get attention from his mother in order to do that he wanted which was generally used to buy toys and stuffs like that. I never did that kind of stuff to my parents, because when I asked for things they always told me straight ‘I don’t have money’ so I just understood directly with a ‘ok’ not a negative ‘ok’ but I just understood the situation.

So I basically I was in anger at myself in the moment that I felt ‘sad’ or within a emotion as self pity  or even depressed because I didn’t like that kind of bullshit in myself nor even in anyone around me, while reaching teenage years I was explosive, very explosive and I always when I saw one person in ‘depression’ or claimed to be depressed, I felt a volcano inside of me exploding and I generally I went into spitefulness I would say, acting very aggressive with laughter and stuff trying to make the people go into anger and laugh again, sometimes it did work, sometimes not, the people around me obviously thought that I was stupid or something, but the point is that I didn’t even tolerate that in anyone nor even myself fell in depression because for me it was ultimately fake thing, so I hated ’emotions’ in a way and I hated myself when I felt depressed and I considered myself stupid when I fell in a emotional state as sad or even depressed.

The point is that my explosiveness and my aggression was something that caused a lot people to not like me, so after dropping karate I had accumulated a lot of children with anger against me, but for me was something ‘normal’ because since I have started school the rejection with other children was  quite prominent in my life and in that moment I wasn’t a explosive child but quite shy.

The conflict with other children went into extensive, very extensive. So I couldn’t take anymore  and I just wanted peace and I couldn’t get it anymore, so I started to consider that my explosiveness and spitefulness I would say, was the cause of the conflict. So, I suppressed it into a personality serious and silent,  I had fear to speak and communicate because  when I was speaking always in a way or another I generated conflict in others, extensive amount of conflict.( lol I didn’t remember that).

So I considered that part of myself something ‘stupid’ and I thought that I learned the “lesson” in terms of self control and I had to suppress it in order to generate peace in environment, but it didn’t stop at all until I started to have physical fights with other children in school where I won the ‘respect’  for my fights. Quite hellish years in my life.

Everything changed in high school when I met another kind of people and I went into stability and peace and in the same time the spirituality point emerged within me.

If I look within that I didn’t want to really face in myself was the point of self pity lol that I was in fact living in myself in ‘the truth of myself ‘so to speak, but I never accepted that in terms of accept it in order to correct it. I was always in denial to that point of self pity that I always lived within myself in my behavior.

It’s like believing myself something positive when my actions where in fact based in self pity but I suppressed it and transformed the suppressions into something positive so I could feel good about myself. It’s clear self manipulation in which I lived before Desteni, so the change from my old city to this one was a obvious point of release I would say, like letting everything go and start over again, obviously, I realized that the past go with one anywhere you go and self honesty and self forgiveness became more interesting, because it’s the way to wash the past and in the same time learn from it in order to not repeat the same mistakes, obviously it’s not a magic wand or anything like that, it’s a tool to see and release the emotional/feeling compounding but doesn’t change consequence at all.

The self pity that I lived in terms of my actions was due the useless character which I had written before many times,  I realized that the uselessness character is just a make belief that I have created of myself because of my incapacity of concentration in that stage, so obviously I created the whole idea of ‘I’m useless, I can’t do anything well’ which obviously is not real it’s just the same make belief is that keep one out of practice and then simply feed itself by the same fear, I could say that it’s also a form of self interest because one want to keep that ‘useless’ as comfort zone in order to not change. It’s quite abusive and therefore not acceptable.

Thus I’m going to focus specifically in the aggressively and explosiveness in relation to emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to react in anger every time that I see or I hear someone speaking about ‘depression’ because I became really explosive and aggressive due what for me depression is manipulation in everyway thus I react to it or I have  back chats about the person which is ‘What fucking liar’ or ‘lol, liar’ within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accept and allow to realize that by reacting in anger I’m just generating a emotion within myself which is anger thus I see and I realize that by generating a negative charge within myself I generate the opposite polarity as the positive and thus eventually energy is created through the back chat as judgement ‘What fucking liar’ or ‘lol, liar’ within my mind and therefore I create the negative value and  the positive will emerge  as the back chat ‘oh i don’t do that’ and therefore I manifest the feeling which is the feeling good about myself which imply abuse in many degrees.

When and as I see myself judging another person as ‘What fucking liar’ or ‘lol, liar’ I stop I breathe, and I bring it back to myself in order to see that I’m fact I have been liying to myself and others in the moment that I didn’t want to face my own self pity and in fact change it but turned it into a point of anger in order to prevent to exist that self pity or even depression in my reality which is in fact the same act of lying and deceiving into myself and others thus I’m not innocent and every thought that I have is in fact a reflection of myself that must be investigated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to react in anger towards emotions without realizing that anger is in fact one emotion and thus I’m not taking in consideration that anger is one emotion and thus I realize that I was not considering anger as emotion but as a expressive experience within myself as I was living the word in my mind which is not true but it’s in fact a emotion, thus I see that anger is a emotion which is obvious but I didn’t see it ‘honestly’ as a emotion within my mind due my value as positive ‘experience of release lol’.

When and as I see myself describing anger as a positive experience within myself I stop, I breathe – I realize that I see anger as a motor of impulse, I always moved myself with anger when I was pushing myself into things, it’s like I believe that I need anger to move myself specially in resistances thus I see that with breath and determination it’s more than enough because it’s not a energetic experience which are all about baby rawr that doesn’t go anywhere with any practical solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to utilize anger as way to supress my own self pity and through that projecting it to others in order to create a sense of superiority when in fact I was in depression within myself in as I was living in terms of self diminisment, and thus creating a point of strenght through a character as ‘strong’ when in fact it’s was just a mechanism of defense that prevented to see in myself the real weakness that I was in fact living.

When and as I see myself utilizing anger as way to supress my own self pity through superiority I stop , I breathe, I realize that anger can be used with and within determination but not as a way to supress/hide and escape from oneself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to evade emotions in order to not face  my self pity state in which I lived within myself  during my childhood and teenage years due my own lack of focus and therefore believing and perceiving myself as useless and thus giving up on myself, and in a way creating a sense of powerlessness and self pity that I didn’t want to face but suppressed it into positive feelings and la-la-la land later with Spirituality and positive thinking in order to not face myself and my ‘failure’ character within myself.

When and as I see myself evading emotions within myself in order to not face myself completely and focusing only in my aspect as the positive I stop I breathe, I realize that by suppressing the emotions and focusing in the positive as feeling I’m in fact removing the awareness of the emotions and therefore I cannot direct them, because I’m not aware of them which of course by not being aware of them doesn’t mean that they cease to exist but exist in compounded form and intensify within myself in my mind by the principle of what you resist, persist.

Dimensions:

Fear:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear communicate with other people by the fact of saying something which could trigger conflict due my history of conflict with people in the moment that I open myself so to speak, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear a extensive amount of conflict in my life with other people.

When and as I see myself fearing to generate massive amount of conflict I stop , I breathe – I realize that in way conflict is inevitable and more within this process due the amount of make believe that exist, thus in a way it’s necessary to make people face things but obviously not in a deliberate form as wanting deliberately make react another, at least not in my current stage due my lack of complete understanding and specificity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to to create a point of self diminishment through consider myself not ready to speak because I in my mind I don’t like make mistakes when it imply support others directly, because I feel like I’m playing a ‘life’ in my hands and therefore ‘I must be aware of everything in order to speak’ which in fact it’s not so because mistakes are made to learn from them obviously less as possible, but not fear to generate mistakes because I see and I realize that the more I fear to make mistakes, more mistakes I’m going to manifest due my fear and myself being self conciouss about fearing to make mistakes which I end ups timelooping in relation to mistakes and fear.

When and as I see myself creating a point of self diminisment through considering myself not ready to speak because I in my mind I don’t like to make mistakes, I stop – I breathe – I realize that by fearing to make mistakes I will manifest more mistakes until I get the point of fear to be realized  which means that that there’s nothing ‘wrong’ by making mistakes but to learn from them in order to not happen again otherwise, mistakes will emerge over again and again until I get it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to hide myself through anger and superiority in the moment that I  saw another reflecting back the inferiority that I was accepting and allowing within and as myself and through that utilize anger as a form of escape through that making it more obvious and evident the point of self pity within as my life, but I choose to suppress and hide it and ran away from it and point fingers at others that represented and reflected that inferiority in myself ( that’s fascinating, because that’s EXACTLY the communication that I had as my father) So now I know my father a little more.

When and as I see mysef hiding myself through anger and superiority I stop, I breathe – I realize that by hiding myself through anger and in fact generating escaping from myself and generating distraction that only perpertuate the lie that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and me as the sins of fathers  thus I’m responsible now to stop this delusion of anger and pointing fingers to others in the moment that somebody reflect me, myself and thus every moment that I react in anger in any situation that I see in another I stop I breathe – I bring it all to myself within the realization and awareness that I must investigate inmediately the point presented in that moment of reaction otherwise I will miss a opportunity of change within and as the pattern of anger and spitefulness.

I commit myself to be and become stable in every situation of conflict that I must face within my life thus I can be in fact of support and not fall in to the trap of giving up on myself just by the fear of conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to create a hesitation in the moment that I see or I experience massive amount of conflict or even conflict and I access the personality of ‘lightworker as ‘love and light’ as I want ‘peace’  without realizing that I’m in fact fearing the negative as the conflict which is that exist in fact in the reality all the time as the suffering that is in reality constantly and continously.

When and as I see myself creating hesitation in the moment that I see or I experience massive amount of conflict or even conflict I stop, I breathe I realize that there’s nothing to hesitate about but   be certain and direct the conversation/communication with common sense in all ways, always.

Thought:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think about conflict specifically massive amount of conflict with the picture of the years of school and the fighting most of my time in school and then having my father with conflict in my home mixed with a sense of exasperation and total instability as I don’t want to go there in relation to conflict.

When and as I see myself thinking about conflict specifically with the picture of the years at school with the fighting and the massive amount of conflict in my life, I stop, I breathe – I realize that by fearing to conflict I’m accepting and allowing to the world continue as it exist right now

I commit myself to realize that we are living in a mess with shit loads of abusive make belief and there will be massive a lot of conflict in the years to come, so I must prepare myself in order to be a stable human being that in fact can be in of support others but obviously first I start with myself.

Imagination:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to imagine in the moment that I think about the conflict that will generate in the years the come in relation to the world and the Desteni message and how people react extensibly to the message I generate within my imagination a lot of people coming after me chasing me up trying to attack/kill me and therefore I connect it to the fear of death and failure character mixed with a sense of victimization within my mind which generate a point of fear and resistance within myself in relation to conflict.

When and as I see myself within my imagination connecting a lot of people coming after me chasing me up trying to attack/kill me and thus connecting it to the fear of death and failure character like “fuck I gave up on myself” I stop, I breathe – I realize that I was expecting to stand within and during my childhood to that particular conflict and it’s like I gave up on myself and I ends up in isolation due the amount of conflict that I had in those years and as I stated before I wanted peace thus the only way that I could get peace was by isolate myself from everyone which I see that  conflict was the point that I didn’t want to face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to have expectation about  myself  during my childhood to stand up toward that specific conflict during my childhood/teenage years  with a sense of male ego connected to ‘I should have been strong’ in that moment when in fact I had no information nor even tools and I was a child, how could I stand to something without awareness? It’s not possible thus I see that I have created a point of self pity in the moment that I couldn’t stand my reality with conflict.

When and as I see myself having expectations about myself I stop, I breathe, I realize that by having expectation I’m in fact creating a idea of myself as a ‘I should’ or ‘I should do’ which is self manipulation as a demand instead of being here practically doing which is necessary to be done.

I commit myself to realize that expectations about myself as ”I should do’ goes with realization and understanding and physical facts thus and not with demands and self manipulation.

Back chat:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in the moment in my life generate a memory of fear in relation to conflict and specifically massive amount of conflict as ‘it’s too much, I can’t handle it as it’s impossible’ imprinted within myself in relation to conflict and my past with the fights in.

When and as I see myself believing and perceiving myself to be ‘too much or it’s impossible to stand to a massive amount of conflict I stop, I breathe -I realize that it’s because I have been taking things too personal which generated the point of making things more than they really are within myself and thus I generate the perception and idea of ‘it’s too much, I cannot stand conflict or massive amount of conflict within my life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to became really sensitive around conflict and connecting it to the past in my life and thus generate a point of sensibility towards conflict even when I’m having small amounts of conflict I generate within myself that connection in relation to my past and therefore I connect that fear to the present generating rejection towards the point of conflict as ‘I don’t want to go there within as my back chat’

When and as I see myself  within and as the back chat ‘I don’t want to go there, I stop, I breathe – I realize that by fearing conflict I’m declaring that conflict is ‘more than me’ and thus  making fear more than me when It’s in fact a distortion of the reality and in the moment that I make it ‘more than me’ I abdicate responsibility towards the point of conflict and thus making fear more than really is.

I commit myself in the moment that I face conflict, understand that now I have the tools to support myself and assist me in order to face conflict appropriately, thus there’s no need to fear conflict when I have the opportunity to assist and support myself with the tools in order to face it.

Reaction:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to react in fear mixed with a sense of ‘too muchness’ in the moment that I see myself within and as conflict connecting it to my past as the fear to recreate again that massive amount of conflict within my life if I dare to speak or if challenge something or someone.

When and as I see myself reacting in fear mixed with a sense of ‘too muchness’ in the moment that I see myself within and as conflict and so connecting it to my past as the fear to recreate again that massive amount of conflict within my life I stop I breathe – I realize that I have created the conflict because I acted in spiteful mood due lack of communication skills of that I could see in myself in my observations in relation to manipulation and depression, thus there’s no need to fear something that now I’m working with through writing and understanding and getting to know myself effectivly through self writing as self commnucation and through that I will eventually develop a effective communication in relation to what I see within and as specificity.Thus even if there’s conflict I direct myself within and as common sense here, not accepting and allowing to be drained by the fear of ‘too muchness’ which in my mind I have accepted and allowed to exist in the moment of conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe and perceive myself to be  lacking of communication skills when in fact I can communicate but I have generated conditionated my communication skills as something not accurate thus judging it as something not good enough but instead of practicing I went into a not recognized self pity and turned it into suppression and transforming it into a positive feeling within my imagination as a desire to reach instead of living practically in the physical here.

When and as I see myself believing and perceiving myself to be lacking of communication skills I stop, I breathe , I realize that by suppressing the emotions as self pity I never faced them directly thus I ran away from them in the moment that I didn’t accept the fact that I could just practice them thus I see and I realize and understand that I was in self pity mood within myself in ignorance and I can in fact by practing be accurate in my communication.

I commit myself to stablish a effective self communication through writing in specificity so I can in fact access every point in myself and in fact know myself for real because I realize that in the specificity one fact get to know one self for real.

Physical behaviour:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed react with the physical behaviour of tension within my phyiscal body and standing back within my posture and feeling a little of shaking in my hands like totally in a fearful mood and so I activate fear within myself in the moment that I face conflict and so create a total point of standing back within myself and so with the physical body as well.

When and as I see myself reacting with the physical behaviour of tension within my physical body and standing back within my posture with a little of shaking in my hands like totally in a fearful mood and so I active fear within myself in the moment that I face conflict , I stop, I breathe – I realize that conflict is neccesary to face myself and my own standing  and in the same time I support others with common sense in the moments that I face conflict because as I stated before there’s a lot of make belief in this world that must be challenged and I first start with myself.

I commit myself to in the moment within and as the physical behaviour of tension within my physical body and standing back within my posture and so within myself stop and breathe and thus direct the conversation into common sense always in all ways.

Communication/Attention Diversion/Being Liked.

Communication/Attention Diversion/Being Liked.

 

Today while translating the interview Being liked of EQAFE, I realized that this interview describes almost the same as the main personality that I always has been running in the background of myself with myself not being aware of. Specifically in terms of the physical behavior and movements and all kind of similarities with myself and as how I pushed always people away from me in order to remain alone because of the amount of energy that I had to use in order to ‘keep the conversation the way I wanted to, in terms of ‘being liked’.

 

So in a way I got pissed off all this kind of stuff in my teenagers years because I never could be me, I always was somebody else in order to interact with another human being this interview remind me of when I was a little child and even in teen age years the physical behavior of other human beings for me was like a overwhelming experience in terms of I could be very very specific in terms of observation of movements of people, my mind when seeing another human being I could play attention to thing very insignificant and save it in my memory quite well, but, one day I started to judge myself specifically this particular point of observation because I started to believe that it was somehow ‘disgusting’ and this has connection with ‘specificity’ and the ‘male’ personality in which I wrote a blog long ago in my Spanish blog.

 

This emerged when I started to utilize the observation and copy mechanism of males which provided me the ‘sense’ of security and self comfort in their body language then I copied their behavior in terms of their vocabulary, and their keywords, and I remember that one day one of those man which I perceived as ‘male’ with their ‘characteristics’ in their body language in my childhood made a commentary about specificity and ‘male’, I don’t remember exactly the commentary but I remember that he pin pointed that specificity in males was ‘something for ‘fags’ something like that, thus from that moment I judged myself as not being male ‘enough’ because of that particular point.

 

In relation to communication I have been expecting a lot of respect and ‘love’ so to speak not from perspetive love as the ‘feeling’ because in that stage of the ‘world’ in itself but from the perspective of ‘love’ in terms of behaviour, how it’s is so probably due the of enviroment that I had while child where everything was quite ‘fantasy, disney world’ with my grand mother as she was into poetry, literature, and paintings landscaping, sculpting, music etc. Telling stories of fairy tales everywhere. So my childhood was more like la-la-land before to school, and I grow up with that kind of stuff as a fairy tales.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted allowed to judge myself because of the commentary of that man that I perceived as ‘male’ or as example according to his body language and expression thus create a point of judgment towards myself in that moment as ‘disgusting’ and suppress myself as also the point of specificity because I believed that specificity was not for males in the moment that incorporate the judgment of the person into myself instead of questioning it.

 

When and as I see myself judging myself because of the commentary of that man in relation to men and specificity I stop I breathe, I realize that I judged myself according to a idea in my mind thus it’s not real at all because I have incorporated the idea and placed the judgment accordingly the value negative as specificity in males.

 

I commit myself to in the moment that I face the point of as male and specificty into a specific body language -I realize that I’m in fact generating a point of judgement innecessary towards the point of specificity and males and therefore I see and I realize that it’s an idea that I have accepted and allowed to exist and thus it’s not real at all.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to have placed specificity and males as negative experience in my mind as something disgusting accordingly to the body language and voice tonality of the man as something disgusting thus creating a point of suppression in myself in relation to specificity.

 

When and as I see myself placing males and specificity as negative experience in my mind as something disgusting I stop I breathe – I realize that by placing a negative value to the experience of males and specificity I created the entire point of self rejection within myself by just a commentary made by another person, thus I see and I realize and understand that males can be specific.

 

I commit myself to move within and as specificity not because it’s a ‘must’ but because it’s something that I can do and it’s under my possibilities to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to in the moment with the person with the specific body language as throwing and shaking the hands towards the front with a gesture in the face with their eyes opened with a little of pressure in the chin left side pronouncing the sternocleidomastoid muscle generating in the whole posture a sense or perception of rejection towards the specificity and males within my mind.

 

When and as I see myself connecting the body language as throwing and shaking the hands towards the front with gesture in the face with their eyes opened with a little of pressure in the chin left side pronouncing the sternocleidomastoid muscle, generating in the whole posture a sense of perception of rejection towards the body language I stop, I breathe – I realize that I’m connecting the body language to a perception in my mind as something disgusting and therefore imprinted onto myself the idea of rejection due giving a lot of value/importance to the body language rather than words and the sense or common sense of the words spoken by the person which I now realize that common sense is the most important thing to develop in order to not create harm within oneself and others.

 

I commit myself to not accept anykind of self-definition based in others behaviours or body language that I imprinted into myself the point of judgement and self diminishment.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to suppress myself by the fear of not being liked and thus utilize others’ body language in order to avoid the fear of not being liked.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to give up on myself in the moment that I judged myself as disgusting in the moment that I Incorporated the commentary of the person in relation to males and specificity and thus suppress myself for that little stupid thing.

 

 

When and as I see myself giving up on myself in the moment that I judged myself for being specific, I stop, I breathe – I realize that I already gave up on myself thus giving up implies that ‘I cannot change’ which in fact is still a choice, thus I realize that I must be careful with the choices that I made for myself because that ends up in consequences for my own choices that obviously I don’t want.

 

I commit myself to realize that by judging myself I’m in fact generating a point of giving up in myself that in fact is not acceptable at all and therefore I must realize and understand the importance of not judge myself otherwise I generate innecesary consequences in my life due judgement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to want to be liked as the acceptance of myself as a equal to other human being, because I made myself believe that there’s something wrong with me thus less and create a point of inferiority towards other people and therefore I look instead of being myself here and utilize copy mechanisms as a form evasion of myself though copying others physical behaviors in order to be liked or accepted for other human beings.

 

I realize that ‘there’s no ‘me’ because I cannot say, ‘yes it’s me’. The ‘me’ that I know are definitions based in observation created dependently of my environment and situations thus there’s not ‘me’ in fact. But “’who I’m?” is a tricky question based in definition still thus not real. Because as far as I see at the moment there’s no self definition in self but self expression which is here as the physical body which obviously does not define self at all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define myself according to that which I perceive to be ‘me’ as the idea of stupidity that I have accepted and allowed to exist which in fact is not , because it’s based in definitions of myself as childhood.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define me myself as something disgusting, dumb, stupid as the definition that I hold in my childhood in relation to myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed define myself as dumb and stupid primarily because I wasn’t good at school and therefore I perceived to be rejected by others because of my ‘stupidity’ and thus create a point of rejection towards myself as the backdrop personality in myself.

 

When and as I see myself defining/ perceiving myself as dumb and stupid as apparently ‘who I am’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just a definition I accepted and allowed as ‘who I am’ based on me not being good at school and as such believing that I was not ‘good enough’.

 

I commit myself to stop all kinds of self definition as stupidity that I have accepted and allowed to exist in as I see I realize that it’s self abusive and not acceptable at all to generate a point of self definition based in self judgement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to from that moment create a point of victimization based in the definition as disgusting, dumb, stupid and therefore create a personality based in distance and copy mechanisms in order to not see myself as that particular personality as backdrop in myself in which I have accepted and allowed to define myself as ‘who I am’.

 

When and as I see myself creating distance or accessing the distant personality I stop, I breathe – I realize that I’m hiding from myself which I have accepted and allowed to define myself as, thus I realize that I must change from there as the stupid, disgusting personality and not from a personality based in mechanism of defense that protects the fear of the backdrop personality.

 

I commit myself to change myself from the stupid and disgusting personality to here into the physical and do not accept and allow myself anything less to who i’m any longer, because I see and I realize that it’s totally abusive to diminish myself and thus in the diminishment I create consequences that are abusive for myself and other as well.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to want to be liked in order to validate the backdrop personality as disgusting, dumb and stupid without realizing that by wanting to be liked I’m in fact maintaining the fear in myself of NOT being liked which based in negative and positive as energy in fact.

When and as I see myself wanting to be liked in order to validate the backdrop personality as disgusting, dumb and stupid I stop , I breathe – I realize that personality as judgment based in disgusting dumb and stupid is based in my observation of how ‘others’ apparently saw me in that moment without any cross-reference to anything in fact but just mere self observation, thus I realize that I have created it in my mind or I have accepted and allowed it in my mind thus is not real because obviously before to that creation or allowance I didn’t have those thoughts in myself which later became a form of backdrop personality in myself thus are in fact not real.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be sad at myself because of all the bullshit that I have done in order to be liked instead of in fact living for myself/as myself by just maintaining the backdrop personality based in negative and positive as energy in myself without realizing that In fact I’m accepting and allowing to continue with fear through the same backdrop personality.

 

When and as I see myself being sad for myself I stop I breathe – I realize that with being sad I’m not going to change anything but just fueling a emotion which is again negative and eventually will try to do something in order to feel good about myself which refresh, recreate and maintain the whole system in which I have accepted and allowed to exist in and as the backdrop personality.

 

Shit that I have done in order to be liked:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to create a personality as pre-teenager as serious because I was suppressing all of myself because I considered it disgusting, dumb and stupid and therefore I just observed and collected data in order to create the ‘one cool’ personality in the teen age years that was liked for others.

 

When and as I see myself accessing the serious personality I stop , I breathe – I realize that I’m in the background of myself judging myself for something thus I investigate which is that I’m judging of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to in teen age years create a personality as rebel yet ‘cool guy’ expressive yet silent with a ironic sense of humor in order to be liked for others based in the data that I have collected through the years of observation in order to see which ‘worked’ in social situations the better and thus be liked.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘be’ cool I stop I breathe, I realize I’m accessing a personality in order to be ‘cool’ as being liked, of course it doesn’t not imply that I must suppress myself and act all serious all the time but check the how and why I’m doing that I’m doing in order to be clear within myself in relation to the starting point.

When and as I see myself wanting to be cool I stop, I breathe – I realize that In that moment I’m accessing a fear which Is the fear of not being liked/accepted/validated when in fact there’s no such thing as validation/acceptation from a external input because it would imply that I must give and place value to external inputs in order to accept myself and be confident with myself which is not good so to speak.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to in teen age years play videogames online and became quite popular in a specific server with the skills that I have developed in that specific game just with the starting point of being known as being liked, so I could validate myself as the backdrop personality without realizing that the backdrop personality is always looking for balance itself and if I create a positive experience I will eventually and inevitably create the negative experience and so on.

 

When and as I see myself doing things with the starting point of being liked I stop , I breathe – I realize that by doing/starting something with that particular point I’m in fact protecting/keeping the fear within me instead of direct the starting point into a clear and self honest point.

 

 

 

So within this point another point opened within the context of being liked which was the point of expectations in communication within my blog Spanish I’m writing this point but I want to write it here in a more deeply way in order to understand myself how and why I developed an idea of how the world was as something beautiful and magic.

 

 

I remember specially when I was a child and bombarded with Disney stuff the point of magic was is quite prominent and I started to become quite separated from the reality in which I faced with the school,the things went into ‘boring’ and cold so to speak when I faced school.

 

When I was a child I always was questioning myself ‘What kind of world is this’ because somehow ‘I knew’ how to behave if knew that the world were different in terms of the negativity of the world. I was in doubt in relation to that because in my environment at least for some years everything was quite ‘la-la-land’ environment mixed with a lot of physical work.

 

I see that change was quite a shock within myself when I turned it into school because it was as if I were changing dramatically my environment from the la-la-land world that I was living into the school environment more serious and cold thus I have created this point of expectation in relation to respect and love as something ‘certain’ in this world due the bubble that I lived in the first years of my life or at least the years that I can remember.

 

As far as I have seen in my blogs in Spanish I have discover that the reality of the character as being unpredictable was because of the point of ‘being’ special connected to the idea and picture presentation of the movie Disney as ‘the genius’ and from there I developed the desire to be as that “genius” always doing everything really instantaneity connected to the idea of being a good entertainer, because as child I liked to be expressive in relation to entertainment.

 

From there I see that point of wanting to be special and wanting to do that connected to an idea of ‘mysterious’ and ‘attention’ within my mind was something were everything started, I started to connect the idea of magic and unpredictability with something ‘great’ within my mind as something what I wanted to ‘experience’ so to speak.

 

So one day while child I heard something in the radio in relation to being unpredictable connected to the idea of mysterious as ‘The most good and beautiful persons are those that are unpredictable’ something like that, I don’t remember that kind of radio was that but it looked as something of lovers or like that lol. From there I remember that I started to act differently it’s like I wanted to be that mysterious ‘beautiful person’ that I heard in the radio and so I started to play in my interaction with other children in a form unpredictable. At this point I was in third grade already.

 

I remember that one day in the class while in school I saw one children asking to a girl for a pencil color and the girl said to him ‘Yes, use the pencil but return it back, and in that moment I remember that I went to ask the same to that girl, just because I liked to see the reaction that people had when I asked for things and compare it to how others asked, and from there make some deductions of why ‘the person used those tonality of voice physical movements, what kind of face gesture stuff like that’. This point was quite a obsession for me in terms of physical behavior as I stated before in the previous point, the physical behaviors and body language is something that fascinate me quite much in terms of ‘humans’.

 

So in those of my ‘weird’s approaches in order to see how people reacted I asked for a pencil too to that girl and I remember that she gave me the pencil and she said exactly the same but with the exception of ‘Yes you will return it back, I know you’, I didn’t understand why she said that because I never spoke to that girl but the phrase ‘I know you’ was something that I didn’t like at all, but at the same time I felt a experience of ‘belonging’ which was nice to my perception in that moment and at the same time I didn’t want to be ‘know’ I could say, in that particular phrase I saw myself in fear and I wanted to not be ‘know’. Because I associated it to be a ‘ordinary person’ and I didn’t want to be ordinary and that’s the reason and the why I have created the point of unpredictable character within and as myself, because I didn’t want to be ordinary. Wow.

 

 

So more ever In relation to women and myself, there were some various approaches from woman in my life but in the moment that I had most of the approaches by woman I was submerged in a arrogant personality and in the same time very silent and I saw myself as really not being ‘me’ because inside myself I was just suppressing myself extensively, so I could not believe that in such arrogant personality could ‘attract some woman’ it was just ‘too much’. In way in my perception I saw those woman in their approach there were like an air of ‘trying to fix me’ or something like that or they saw me depressed and they wanted to fix me, anyway the point is that I saw that. The point is that I didn’t want any woman around me in that stage because I was suppressing myself I was completely another person when I was in my home, it was just a character that I lived as the arrogant silent personality while teenager years. But it was all suppression and self judgment as the unpredictable character.

 

 

Dimension 1:

 

Fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear to be known for other people because I didn’t want to be ‘ordinary’ and I wanted to be special and through that believe that I must be special in order to hide myself from the fear of being know as ‘ordinary’ to my perception based in the phrase in the radio and so create a point of acceptance towards the personality or character unpredictable within my mind and myself.

 

When and as I see myself fearing to be known for other people because I didn’t want to be a ordinary’ and I wanted to be special, I stop, I breathe I realize that by wanting to be special I generated a lot of consequences in my life in relation to communication that generated a point of separation into myself and others just by a silly point of ‘specialness’ within myself.

 

I commit myself to know people and let know myself and so expand myself into others lives because I see and I realize and understand that I was living into a illusion as wanting to be special as ‘more than’ when In fact I was isolating myself into my own mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear to be a ‘ordinary’ person just normal here and therefore create a point of ‘I must be more’ within myself that generated the whole point of wanting to be special and therefore create the specific point of unpredictable character in the moment that I accepted and allowed to be attracted by the idea of specialness formed through the movies of Disney specifically within the movie Aladdin and so create a point of acceptance of myself as ‘special’ person.

 

When and as I see myself fearing to be an ordinary person, I stop , I breathe, I realize that the fear is connected to the idea of being ‘ordinary’ as something inferior and thus. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to charge a negative experience to the word ‘ordinary’ within my mind and thus create a point of rejection and separation within and as people that projected that point into myself.

 

When and as I see myself creating a point of separation within and as people that projected that point into myself I stop, I breathe I realize that I’m in fact a ordinary person because there’s nothing ‘extraordinary’ in myself in fact and it’s not a point of self diminishment but a point of fact. Thus I see and I realize and I understand the point of separation that I have created by just flying high in my mind and the consequences that came in the moment that I believed to be special creating isolation because of the fact that I wanted to be special and more than others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear to be equal to others because it would imply that I’m less according to my mind, which mean that I always lived as that inferiority projecting superiority in order to balance my own negativity that I wanted to hide from myself and others through superiority as arrogance and unpredictability.

 

When and as I see myself fearing to be equal to others I stop, I breathe I realize that there’s “no such more than” as always one is “less than” in the moment that one want to ‘be more’, because the idea of being ‘more’ imply a value positive to a specific symbol as for instance in my case, the ‘genius’ as the representation of more within and as my mind which is just a picture connected to a positive value within and as my mind that I believe and perceive to ‘be more’ by just a connection of value to a symbol when in fact it’s just a mind relationship, it’s silly and in fact self diminishment. I realize that ‘more’ in the physical imply expansion and one can in fact expanding one self through sharing one self and then one is ‘more’ but not from the perspective of ‘more than others’, because it’s a point of sharing and expansion of oneself into others lives.

 

I commit myself to equalize myself first to myself as the physical and then assist and support others as myself into equalize ourselves into equality and oneness, so we can in fact once for all live.

 

Dimension 2-

 

Thought

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect the image of the ‘genius’ within and as my mind in the moment that I saw the movie of Aladdin, connecting it to a positive feeling within as the back chat ‘ I want to be like that’ and therefore accepting and allowing a point of ‘more ness’ in that moment that I wanted to be more and thus creating a point of separation within myself and others in the moment that I lived that particular point of ‘more ness’ connected to a sense of specialness and value within myself.

 

When and as I see myself connecting believing and perceiving myself into a state of more ness/or superiority I stop, I breathe – I realize that I’m in fact connecting a point of superiority into a picture as a symbol within my mind and in no way what so ever it’s ‘something more’ but it’s just a point of self diminishment where I accept and allow to become a point of limitation and I just Isolate myself into that point or idea of ‘more ness’.

 

I commit myself to undo the isolation that I have accepted and allowed to exist as the mind in to the ideas of ‘more ness’ by knowing people and let me be know because I see and I realize and understand that in fact imply to be ‘more’ is to isolate myself into my mind and so in the physical generating a lot of self abuse in myself and others just by a silly idea of specialness.

 

Dimension 3

 

Back chat:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to within and as the back chat ‘I want to be like that’ while watching the movie of Aladdin specifically the picture of the genius create a positive value within my mind in the moment that I saw the picture and within that fantasize that “I could be” If I were like that, connecting it to a the idea and possibilities of something more that ‘exist’ as for example doing thing instantly and magically due the environment that I was living and so create a point of acceptance into the idea that I was creating as doing things magically and instantly and so create the relationship into the mind as something ‘more’ without realizing that I was caging myself into my own self delusion as the ‘more ness’ as the relationship within my mind.

 

When and as I see myself having the back chat ‘I want to be like that’ in any circumstance specifically watching a movie, I stop, I breathe -I realize that In that moment I’m recreating the same character of ‘more ness’ and therefore I see and I realize and understand that I’m creating a mind relationship in the moment that I accept and allow that back chat ‘I want to be like that’ I’m in fact creating a point of isolation within my mind because I’m comparing myself/my reality as less than a ‘character’ in a movie and so I believe that I want to be like a movie character imply that I want to be a character and so I generate a mind relationship based in my observation which is obviously not acceptable.

 

 

I commit myself to realize that by wanting to be more I always will end up in a position of less because as I have stated before there’s not such thing as ‘more than’, it’s always less than because it’s isolation within the mind through my own mind relationships

 

Dimension 4

 

Imagination:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to imagine in the moment that I was watching the movie the picture of myself doing things magically instantly and therefore entertaining myself with that point of imagination and so create a acceptance of possibility within my mind that such thing could exist, without realizing that in that point I was isolating myself into a mind relationship within my mind.

 

When and as I see myself within and as Imagination while watching a movie or reading and imagine something related to genius and magic things as instantly I stop I breathe, I realize that’s fantasy and do not exist within and this reality in this stage thus I stick to which is here and no in a fantasy world that only Isolate myself into the mind.

 

I commit myself to to realize that by placing value into imagination without a practical physical reference as for instance utilizing imagination in a practical way in terms of finishing a project or task I’m in fact Isolating myself in to a room within my mind where I just play my own self television and I only watch as I entertain myself with my own fantasies of grandeur that in fact are only connections and symbols within my mind connected to a positive value and so I’m isolating myself in my mind which is not acceptable.

 

 

Dimension 5:

 

Reaction:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to in the moment while watching the movie of Aladdin react in alert mode with a desire in my mind combined with the back chat of “wanting to be like that” as the genius in my mind and so access within my imagination the desire to be like the genius connecting a positive value to the symbol that the genius represent as doing things magically and instantly mixed with a sense of ‘more ness’ within my mind.

 

When and as I see myself desiring to be something or someone specially while watching a movie I stop I breathe – I realize that by desiring to be something I’m in fact creating a point of separation within myself, because I see and I realize that by connecting a positive value into something within my mind I’m creating a relationship to that particular symbol as for example the drawing in this case of the ‘genius’ of the movie Aladdin and so I create the negative value in my reality as me and the positive value to the imagination within my mind and within that the mind relationship is created, from that and as comparison of myself and fantasy reality within my mind in base in the observation of what I saw in the movies generate friction and through the friction generate energy that sustain and nurture the relationship that I have created within my mind which is abusive, because that energy is generated through the consumption of my physicality into a illusionary idea as the self cage within the mind.

 

 

I commit myself to in the moment that I see myself desiring to be something or somebody what in my mind represent a positive value or a positive feeling realize that I’m creating a point of self consumption in the moment that I put that desire outside of myself as a mind relationship and so I commit myself investigate all the mind relationships that I have created within my mind as desires in order to release myself from that relationships that I have generated.

 

I commit myself to realize and understand the importance of the breath in the moment that I see myself flying high within imagination and so bring it back to myself and write exactly that I’m doing in my imagination so I can return back to breath.

 

Dimension 6

 

Physical behavior:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in the moment while watching the movie of Aladdin specifically in the scene of the genius react within and my physical with the eyes open and the mouth open as totally in a state of trance looking at the symbol of the genius and through that react in alert mode with the desire and within the back chat ‘I want to be like that’ and so trigger imagination and desire to be as the symbol of the movie as the genius.

 

When and as I see myself within and as the physical behavior with the eyes opened and the mount open while watching a movie or reading something , I stop and I breathe within the awareness of that I’m generating within my mind as imagination/back chat/reaction and so bring it all back to here through writing it so I can see it and bring it back to myself.

 

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to accept that a desire as wanting to be ‘more than’ drive myself into isolation as a snowball effect because I see and I realize and understand the consequences that generated that point of placing value to a symbol in a moment in total unawareness of that I was doing.

 

Dimension 7

 

Consequence:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be ashamed of myself and sad because that I have accepted and allowed for wanting to be ‘more’ and so I lived that necessity to be more when in my mind and just in a mind relationship totally isolated in my mental world without in fact living at all in the physical reality.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed to realize that by wanting to be more I ganerated the consequence that now I see and I realize and understand that it’s not beneficial at all for myself nor even other because I see how I have ruined my social life so to speak just by the point of wanting to be more in a single moment of my childhood.

 

When and as I see myself being ashamed of myself and sad of myself I stop, I breathe I realize that by being ashamed and creating a blockage to my own process because I’m judging myself for something that I have accepted and allowed thus it’s a point of arrogance and not wanting to change the point by just being sad and ashamed instead of learning from it and never repeat it again.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to not realize that by being stuck in shame means that I’m judging myself and so being arrogant/ignorant because it imply that I prefer ‘punish’ myself instead of correct the errors that I have made.

 

When and as I see myself being ashamed of myself and sad I stop and I breathe within the awareness that I’m punishing myself and it’s not a correction at all because it’s just repeating the same pattern over and over again which leads to the same self abuse.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to punish myself through being ashamed and sad for that I have accepted and allowed without realizing that by punishing myself I’m not correcting the point but recreating more self abuse within the excuse and justification of being sad and ashamed which is not acceptable.

 

When and as I see myself punishing myself as being sad and ashamed I stop and I breathe I realize that by punishing myself I’m not correcting the point and I’m abusing myself and wasting time that can be used into the correction of myself.

 

I commit myself to when being ashamed and sad and even guilty realize that I’m in fact abusing myself and not correcting myself properly and therefore it’s counterproductive to myself and others to punish myself for something that now I’m being aware of.

Power and Control.

Power

Power and control.

Okay in this blog I’m going to debunk the desire of ‘power and control’.

If I look at myself in relation to ‘power’ for instance I can see that the desire in itself was created in a state of self pity where I felt wanting to be ‘more’ in order to escape from the self pity I had created mostly during my teenager where I stored all kinds of illusions within my mind as future projections of myself in order to feel good about myself in those ‘down’ moments of my life.

Which obviously I see now that most of those ‘down’ moments were just by the lack of self discipline in relation school and another activities in which I only generated fear and anxiety unnecessary creating instability within myself for the same lack of self discipline.

So one specific memory that comes up when opening this point, is the memory of when I was teenager specifically at my 15 almost 16 years old, in that stage I had a relationship with other people specifically males very ‘aggressive/conflictive with shit loads of fights at school where I constantly was fighting physically with others boys because ‘I could not stand in a verbal conflict, so I was directly to the ‘violence’ but only in cases were I was being ‘attacked’ – I never abused physically to somebody just by the sake of doing it, it was because I was being ‘attacked’ by other males, so I created this point of ‘wanting power’ in order to experience myself in ‘power’ as a form of ‘revenge’ towards others because I was in a state of self pity mood very well defined i could say, in which I only could see that ‘point’ at that stage yet I wasn’t completely consumed by it.

At that stage is where I could describe it as a absolute lack of self expression, I was speechless, very serious all the time and mad/angry because I was suppressing myself extensively through creating the idea of ‘male strong’ in order to evade to fight with others males.

I was very reactive teenager with no tolerance towards anybody and extremely self secluded with my own perceptions/observations, creating my own little world in my mind.

So I started to build a character as ‘powerful being’ as mechanism of defense at that stage in order to protect myself from any from of ‘weakness’ where I could be pin pointed by other males specifically.

The idea of ‘powerful being’ came with the fights that I had with the others male teenagers, because physically I believed to be more ‘strong’ that other males so I created for a moment that sense of power yet I never liked ‘conflict’ and was point that I wanted to avoid at all cost.

I was very serious/passive/silent person yet reactive and aggressive but inside myself I had a lot of sensibility that I used to hate because I perceived it as point of weakness the same as vulnerability. I had terror to vulnerability.

If i look back as ‘everything started’ in relation to this point of conflict is that I didn’t get support in order to know ‘how to handle conflict’, in fact I remember when I had 9 years old and bunch of kids from the other square came to ‘fight’ with the Childs from my square which was a point very strange because I had the capacity to create ‘enemies’ very fast when I was a child, I just had to be around and say absolutely nothing in most of the cases I was going to be attacked by someone, which is a point that I hated all my childhood, the point of attacks from nowhere with no reason.

So in that specific event the children started to attack me physically and I was unable to do anything, I felt in petrification of fear in that moment, so my brother was there and he called my father ‘so I could be removed from the fight’, but the good intentions of my brother turned in wrong ways, because my father came very angry and started to hit me because I supposedly was going to ‘karate’ and I was being ‘beated by other children and he expected what the hell knows, so in that moment i felt ‘everything against me’ in all ways and a idea of hate towards males started to build in myself very very strong in which later years affected myself in ‘self definitions’ and communication with other males.

My relation with my father was quite bad. I remember that everything starts with the point of soccer where I was a child intrinsically very ‘sensible’, in one particular event where in those days of ‘training’ I was playing with the ball, while playing I wasn’t understanding the indications that my father told me. so I remember that he started to shout at me for that situation and in that moment I felt totally frustrated because I could see that I didn’t not understand the points in their indications, in that moment a reaction came I started to become really pissed off then I went very angry and utilized a attitude of; “fuck it” ‘I give up this’ as a reaction to that specific kind of threat while I was learning.

I remember that I started to judge myself in relation to soccer because I was yelled quite often when playing and I created this particular idea of ‘I’m bad soccer player’, I must be a good one in order to impress my father so I could be ‘accepted by him’ so to speak, but in all my attempts to do it I ‘failed’ and eventually I gave up, then I realized that my father was someone that I could not trust on anything because his treat to myself was quite aggressive and distant, so I ignored him , I started to see my father as a stranger because the amounts of disrespect towards myself were quite extensive with their yelling and physical abuse.

From my perspective my father wasn’t a person communicative, he was always demanding things without explaining the details in a good and civilized way, I describe my father like a ‘caveman’ that just go and do thing in a brutal way.

At stage I had some form of respect because he was my ‘father. it’s of course very common thing in every child, so I remember that many events similar to this one came where for instance I was with him doing something in the house, for instance I can recall a event while repairing a chair, in that moment I was there helping my father with the chair and the same pattern begin to start which was the pattern of shouting and pointing fingers all the time as he was ALWAYS while working insulting and pissed off all the time. it’s something I never understood in himself, I always felt like ‘useless’ around him because of his attitude in relation to how i was treated, I remember that he always was pointing fingers to the things that I used to do in the physical and calling me useless in a indirect way, so I started to lose respect for my father and I eventually started to attack him, in the moments that I could see a point of weakness I used to spit him back so he could see that he was doing to me.

The result of this is that we built a relationship based in ‘spitefulness’, where we spite each other all the time, pointing fingers to each other without any practical solution to anything but just as a mental game in which now I see that I was also the participant of this point but in a victimized way.

It’s fascinating because is the same idea or relationship connection that i built from the idea of god, I never accepted god, because for me if my father was that kind of ‘father’, what I could expect of god?.

I see that in a way I created an idea of myself as ‘I know better than anybody else’ because I could spit back to my father therefore I could do anything I wanted, that’s where I built a sense of ‘power’, but in the same time I wanted to be ‘good’, I had learn something from my father and it’s a example of how NOT to be.

In which I see that I started to build a anti father ‘personality’, I did not want to be like him in no way what so ever, I hated every aspect that I could see in myself in relation to him.

How I did project this relationship towards other males in my life?

I remember that while in school I could see some children with the same ‘air’ of my father in which I started to victimize myself because I connected that particular ‘air’ to violence and therefore fear. So I feared to be attacked for those children in which eventually those fears became ‘physical’ and I started to be attacked by them.

From child I was submissive , I only wanted “peace”, I did not like conflict but in relation to my father he has accumulated a lot of ‘dishonor’ and I could not accept such thing. so I went more submissive with other children for a while because ‘I wanted to be good’ and that’s the point that remained and I still see on myself , the point of benevolence.

I realize that benevolence is a way to create a sense of superiority because I created those events a in state of victimization yet in essence existed a point of ‘I’m more good than/better than’ that I wanted to ‘perform’ in order to not be like my father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to want to be benevolent being in order to not be like my father and create a sense of ‘Yes, I’m more than/better than” my father in which I realize I always “lived” in that point of comparison towards him and my actions in relation to his actions as way to see if I have ‘improved’.

When and as I see myself wanting to be benevolent being in order to not be like my father , I stop, I breathe – I realize that by wanting to be benevolent in order to not be like my father I’m creating a sense of superiority towards my father and other males with the similar characteristics therefore I see and I realize and understand that It’s not about being ‘benevolent’ but being here in common sense interacting with which is here an directing it within the context of the best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to in the moment with my father and playing with the ball after hearing the shouts of my father believe and perceive that I was not good enough and useless therefore I create a connection of shouting with not good enough and useless and through that I make a reactive response to such ‘trigger point’ as mechanism of defense which is the point of; ‘fuck it’ ‘i give up’.

I realized that the point of ”I’m useless’ was a point of justification for me to not practically learn things in time and space, and therefore I used this point as a justification in order to avoid the point of ‘learning things in time, due to lack of patience in that stage’.

When and as I see myself connecting the action of shouting to the memory of my father shouting at me for not doing their indications I stop, I breathe – I realize that by placing and connecting the action of shouting I have created a reaction in which I interconnected to the

idea of not good enough therefore i realize that the act of shouting has nothing to do with myself in relation to the memory of that moment that I impregnated into myself connecting to the action of ‘shouting’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to in the moment with my father and the other children after running away crying, created the entire point of ‘I’m going to take revenge of this’ without realizing that are the same circles which only proliferate the abuse in this world as the ‘revenge in itself’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to desire power in order to take ‘revenge’ towards males in order to create a sense of release which is only a way that I had created in order to feel good about myself in those situations where I felt helpless.

When and as I see myself desiring power I stop, I breathe – I realize that such point was created as a way to take my personal revenge and in no way is supportive for myself or anyone and is the primary reason of why the world exist as exist today because of ‘revenge’ towards each other in a infinite loop of abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to create a character based in anger and revenge as the motors that created the desire for power which now I see and I understand that those emotions only proliferate abuse in the name of revenge creating this place a more fucked up place which is absolutely unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to hold hate towards my father to such a extent that I don’t know that I could do if he were around my presence, which is point unacceptable because I see and I realize that hate only create more hate and therefore abuse and destruction.

When and as I see myself holding hate towards my father I stop, I breathe – I realize that hate is point unacceptable because we have all created this world based in survival and therefore we suffer our own consequences of the decisions that we have taken, I also realize that I don’t know much about my father and how he was raised in specific detail, so to hate someone without in fact know in detail the person was raised/created is just a point of ignorance which is also destructive, because ignorance is that point that keep us in circles of repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect a emotion to the word father and through that connect a sense of aggressively towards people with gestures, poses, tonality voice similar to my father.

When and as I see myself connecting a emotion to the word father and within that connect a sense of aggressively towards people with gestures, poses, tonality voice, similar to my father, I stop I breathe – I realize that by attaching such gestures, poses, tonality voice to people with the similar aspects imply that I have not sorted out completely the mind relationship that I have created in relation to my father therefore I see, realize and understand the importance of sort out this particular point specifically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to react internally in anger when I meet people with similar picture presentation, poses, gestures, voice tonality that my father creating a sensation in my mind that’s the moment for me to take ‘revenge’ yet it’s not manifested as a thought but as a reaction to the picture presentation, poses, gestures, voice tonality.

When and as I see myself reacting internally in anger when I meet people with similar picture presentation, poses, gestures, voice tonality similar to my father and within that creating a sensation in my mind that it’s the moment for me to take ‘revenge’ I stop, I breathe – I realize that by placing too much emphasis on the point of revenge during childhood I created this reaction towards the picture presentation, poses, gesture, voice tonality and therefore I created this reaction towards specific poses, gestures, voice tonality as a mind symbolism of my father, I see and I realize that I created this point of reaction therefore I commit myself to stop all the reactions towards the picture presentation, poses, gestures, voice tonality because I see that is unacceptable to hold any kind of reaction as form of revenge towards my father because it’s evident and obvious that ‘revenge’ causes in this world/reality as the perpetrator of the vicious circle of abusers and victims, destroying not only ourselves but the earth and the animal kingdom by the mere necessity to release the compounded mental baggage which is obviously unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect the picture presentation of my father to a emotion of self pity guy, fearful that disguise himself through anger towards people that cannot ‘defend themselves’ and within that connection see my father as someone that must be immediately eradicated from this world/reality within and as a emotion of anger and euphoria mixed with a sense of gratefulness.

When and as I see myself connecting the picture presentation of my father to a emotion of self pity, fearful that disguise himself through anger towards people that cannot ‘defend themselves’ I stop I breathe, I bring it all back to myself to see where I did it in my life and place the necessary correction to the point and so stop any kind of separation as judgment towards others but utilize the opportunity to see myself in others and correct it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to hold anger to the specific voice tonality as speaking loudly with no sense of direction in the sounding of the words but as being demanding and dominant connected to the idea I have created of my father in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect my father as dominant and demanding and therefore connect anger to the voice tonality of my father as loud with no direction in their speaking but as demanding and therefore react with anger to the specific voice tonality as loud.

When and as I see myself connecting my father voice tonality to the idea of demanding and dominant I stop , I breathe – I realize that a voice tonality as loud is just a elevation of the sounding of the pitch and that’s all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect corporal movements to the body language fast and sudden to the idea of brutality connected to the idea of my father within my mind.

When and as I see myself connecting the body language expression of someone while speaking moving fast and sudden to the idea of brutality , I stop, I breathe – I realize that I connected a physical expression to the idea of my father and therefore generalized the expression to the people with the same body language connecting the idea of ‘that person must be as my father’ and through that reacting in anger to such expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to react in anger to the body language as fast and sudden because of the connection that I have created within my mind as brutal or violent connected to the idea that I have created of my father.

When and as I see myself reacting in anger to the body language as fast and sudden because of the connection that I have created within my mind as brutal or violent connected to the idea that I have created of my father , I stop, I breathe – I realize that by connecting the movement of the body language of my father as sudden and fast to the word violent/brutal I created a negative experience within myself which activate nervousness how If I were to be beaten and therefore I create a experience as emotion of anger within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect the voice tonality as loud and the movement fast and sudden to the idea in my mind of ‘oh I’m going to be beaten now’ and through that connecting a experience of nervousness to the movement fast and sudden to the voice tonality loud connected to fear.

When and as I see myself connecting the voice tonality as loud and the movement fast and sudden to the idea in my mind of ‘oh I’m going to be beaten now’ and through that connecting a experience of nervousness to the body language as a movement fast an sudden to the voice tonality loud connected to the idea of my father and within that create a experience of fear, I stop, I breathe – I realize that I’m not a child anymore and there’s no need to hold such connection to in my memory as a stated of victimization

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to create a sense of victimization towards the memory of my father.

When and as I see myself creating a sense of victimization towards the memory of my father , I stop , I breathe – I realize that life is not memory therefore to live in the past as victimization towards a memory is not be here in breath but in the mind generating preoccupations unnecessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to hold hate towards my father to such a extent that I don’t know that I could do if he were around my presence, which is point unacceptable because I see and I realize that hate only create more hate and therefore abuse and destruction.

When and as I see myself holding hate towards my father I stop, I breathe – I realize that hate is point unacceptable because we have all created this world based in survival and therefore we suffer our own consequences of the decisions that we have taken, I also realize that I don’t know much about my father and how he was raised in specific detail, so to hate someone without in fact know in detail the person was raised/created is just a point of ignorance which is also destructive, because ignorance is that point that keep us in circles of repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to utilize hate as a form of blame towards my father for how I was raised without realizing that my father is in fact part of the consequence of the abdication of responsibility towards ourselves by accepting and allowing self interest as the primary force that drive us to keep ourselves looking for the pursuit of happiness disregarding not only ourselves but the earth the plants, animals, bugs, etc. all in the name of self interest , so, it’s non sensical to point fingers to each other to pretend that I was more good or benevolent as some form of ‘separation’ but rather see myself as equal responsible for this fuck up.

When and as I see myself utilizing hate as a form to blame for my father, I stop , I breathe – I realize that hate is just another way to abdicate responsibility therefore I see I realize and understand that only by stopping all kind of justifications and excuses I will able to direct myself within the context of the best for all and in no way blaming my father for my past is supporting me in anything but just as a excuse to remain in self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to hold resentment towards my father because I was in a position of victimization due that I was child and he was adult and I expected support, not abusive relationship based in spitefulness.

When and as I see myself holding resentment towards my father I stop, I breathe – I realize that there’s no point in holding resentment towards my father because he’s not in my reality anymore and so why to preoccupy my mind with such bullshit unnecessary? I see that it’s pointless to create resentment of something that one cannot change, because I cannot change the past, but how I see my past and that’s when self forgiveness come in action to stop this victimization towards memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to in the moment with my father and the other children after running away crying, create the entire point of ‘I’m going to take revenge of this’ without realizing that are the same circles which only proliferate the abuse in this world as the ‘revenge in itself’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to desire power in order to take ‘revenge’ towards males in order to create a sense of release which is only a way that I had created in order to feel good about myself in those situations where I felt helpless.

When and as I see myself desiring power I stop, I breathe – I realize that such point was created as a way to take my personal revenge and in no way is supportive for myself and anybody and is the primary reason of why the world exist as exist today because of ‘revenge’ towards each other in a infinite loop of abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to create a character based in anger and revenge as the motors that created the desire for power which now I see and I understand that those emotions only proliferate abuse in the name of revenge creating this place a more fucked up place which is absolutely unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect the word power to a positive feeling within my mind connected to a idea of strength as domination.

When and as I see myself connecting the word power to a positive feeling within my mind connected to a idea of strength as domination, I stop , I breathe – I realize power imply a self directive principle based in responsibility within the context of the best for all and not just a mind game based competition and polarities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to not realize the real power imply responsibility and not just a mind game of polarities as strength a weak, dominator slave etc. Which in fact are mind games based imagination as opinion where one believe that ‘has the right to be’ something based in the same idea without pondering what’s the consequence of keeping such idea within the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to not realize that in fact by creating a idea as superior/greater/powerful being , I’m in fact fearing to be less than another within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to not realize that ‘more than’ ‘less than’ only indicate separation within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to perceive myself as limited, inferior, and by accepting and allowing such idea within myself creating the idea as projection as other side of the coin of fear as desiring power outside of myself which only is a way to escape into delusions from my own fear.

I realize that ‘more than, less than’ are polarities games what we all has been played within our minds in order to survive as the ideas we have played in our mind with the delusions of grandeur as the other side of ego as absolute fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to not realize that the ideas that I have created/projected within my mind are created with the starting point of fear as fear is the reactor of such definitions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to not realize the consequences that brings to this world to have such idea as “powerful being” within my mind from the starting point of fear instead of responsibility within the context of the best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to protect fear through self interest as power, control and success without realizing that such variables only chain myself into fear because I have created it with the same starting point which is fear.

When and as I see myself protecting fear through self interest as power, control and success without realizing that such variables only chain myself into fear because I have create the whole shit with the starting point of fear I stop I breathe – I realize that every delusion of grandeur is only the other ‘side of the coin’ as a state of denial in which means absolute petrification in fear.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed to desire something more as benevolent being in order to align myself as that ‘idea’ in my mind where I can play with those projections and fantasies in my mind without realizing that the more I want to do good;the more I create harm because I’m ignoring the negative side of the reality which is the starting point of all the ‘good’ in this world.

When and as I see myself desiring something more in order to ‘align’ myself as that ‘idea’ in my mind where I can play with those projections and fantasies in my mind I stop, I breathe – I realize that desire is where I trap myself in illusions because desire is a mechanism of defense to not face here and instead project into the future something ‘more’ just by the mere fact of entertain myself with illusions within my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to not realize that imagination is a opinion that is presented in a ‘imaginary way’ through images within my mind connected to feelings and emotions and within that programming myself into such opinions as imagination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fly high in my mind through imagination as a opinion about the reality without in fact understanding that through flying high in my mind without not practical physical direction I’m not standing equal and one to the mind in itself but just feeding and entertaining my own delusions of grandeur.

When and as I see myself flying high in my mind through imagination I stop I breathe – I realize that by flying high in the mind I’m just feeding off the same ideas and therefore ‘programming myself’ into delusions of grandeur based in self interest as fear which is unacceptable.

I commit myself to stop all kinds of spiteful blame towards my father because I see and I realize and understand that there’s no point to blame anyone for the experiences that are created as the consequence of our acceptances and allowances in a global scale.

I commit myself to stop all delusions of grandeur because I SEE and UNDERSTAND that those ideas within the mind are in fact destructive for me as others as well. I have seen realized and understood that through delusions of grandeur I’m in fact entertaining my mind as ‘other side of the ego coin’ which is only fear.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to fly high in my mind through imagination as desires, future projections, etc. Because I have now seen, realized and understood that flying high implies that I am incapable of directing myself step by step, moment by moment within and as myself.

I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to use imagination as future projections as a defense mechanism from face here moment by moment as I have seen realized and understood that within flying high in my mind and not accepting and allowing myself to be here in every moment as my application I’m in fact not yet taking responsibility within and as myself, so instead of self directive change within and as myself step by step I allow imagination as future projections which is unacceptable. I commit myself to stand as directive principle within and as my life to thus look at where I’m using imagination as future projection and use this indicator to and for myself of what I’m not yet accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for myself moment by moment , step by step and to thus through this allow myself to take responsibility for myself step by step and what I had created and to thus stopping myself from not accepting responsibility for my life here in every breath.

Beliefs Dreams, Purpose, Morality, good and bad, limitation.

Beliefs

Dreams, Purpose, Morality, good and bad, limitation.

Childhood beliefs:

When I was a child I used to believe in gifts as ‘talents’ made by karmatic ”effect” so basically, I remember that this ‘belief’ was created through multiple events in my reality in which I used to justify my own limitations as ‘it’s not supposed to be’ or I cannot do that because of such belief that I had created within my mind, Although I was not possessed by it all the times but when used to face a certain point as a limitation, this was the automatic response to block any possibilities of change in relation to ‘something’ In which I hold certain limitation.

Everything starts with a specific dream when I was a child specifically when I had 7 years old in which in that dream was when I picked up ‘the idea of purpose’ in which years later I lived so to speak.

In that stage in my life I was trying to understand – how everything was ‘created’ in relation to this world/reality, the classical child curiosity about the world etc. I became quite obsess with this point so I started to ask some questions to my grand mother in relation to this point of ‘How and when was everything created’, so she gave me the bible – I started to read it and I remember I found something with sense and other points triggered fear in myself, so I basically said to myself ‘No, this is not the truth’ and simply I disregarded it almost completely, yet there were a point in which I held which was ‘Jesus’ in himself, because my family had a lot of stuff about Jesus and I was raised with the phrase ”don’t do to others what you don’t want done to you” – the negative form of golden rule based in the Jesus message – do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This particular phrase was repeated many many times in my childhood in which I started to develop empathy because I started to ‘think’ in that particular phrase when I was interacting with others.

So I started to question to myself ‘Why everyone follows this particular guy’, ‘I don’t understand’ – I started to become quite serious about the point of investigation about the life of Jesus in itself because everybody in my family were quite insistent about it.

One day while watching television specifically I was doing zapping and I catch one movie which was the “movie of Jesus”, I’m writing of course about the old movie of Jesus specifically in the scene when Jesus is attacked by another children, so in that moment a memory came up in my mind because I had a event also with another children where I has been fighting with others children physically.

So I started to compare myself to ‘Jesus’ and as he managed that specific situation and how I did in that moment, which in my case I fought back to the children, so in that moment I felt totally confused because the person that is considered a ‘example’ by my family is ‘there being physically abused’ and he’s doing nothing about it. In which my first reaction to the movie was a immediate point of rejection towards ‘Jesus’ in himself, but at the same time I wanted to continue watching it which was the strange part of the moment because I felt totally hypnotized with the movie, so a second thought emerged within my mind in that moment, which was the ‘what if’ thought.

What if ‘Jesus is right?’.

Note: Now the point and the reason of why I was so obsess about Jesus is because mainly I was looking for a male as ‘example’ in my life/reality in order to ‘follow’ so to speak, because my father was something that for me wasn’t a example to my perspective, so I looked for another ‘adult’ to see as example.

Continuing with “What if Jesus is right?”

From that perspective I started to behave differently in relation to conflict, I became ‘more’ sensitive so to speak, in a way I started to build a ‘good character’ personality based my example as Jesus but I never followed anything literally. I just picked up things that could make sense to me as for example: do to others whatever you would like them to do to you point, things what I could clearly see that has sense to me.

So one day I got a dream very extensively lucid, in which consisted as the following: I was alone in the middle of nowhere there was a brown mud dried everywhere and I was there alone, suddenly a girl appears approximately the same age that me and took me from the hand and we move to a place where there were a lot of children playing together, so I started to play with them, everything was very enjoyable.

Suddenly a adult man appear, which was very kind to my perception and he told me: ‘You enjoy being here?’ , Yes. I responded’. Then he ask me the following: “I need you to ‘do’ me a favor when the moment arrives I want to you to take care of ‘pictures’.

In that specific moment I entered in absolute petrification of fear and I ran away crying.

Then I woke up.

Two weeks later the dream appeared again but in this time in the scene where I left. This time said to man: Yes, ok I’m going to do it.

From this particular dream in which I took very seriously – I started to ‘think’, ‘okay, how the fuck I’m going to do this’.

This particular dream was the most lucid dream that I has been in my life, so I took very seriously the point and I started to check what relationship I had with this particular point in terms of; I can do this?. I’m good at this? Etc.

What I found is that I was terrible on this particular point. I couldn’t do anything, so I started to judge myself in relation to this point, I placed a lot of excuses and justifications of why I could not do it, instead of practicing it.

So, eventually I ended giving up the point which obviously caused a lot of damage in relation to self trust.. then I simply decided to ‘forget about the whole point’ in sparkle of lucidity when I look what I was doing just by a stupid dream.

Then a event emerged in which I started to justify the whole point with the idea of karma an talents because I saw that there were children that ‘has the gift’ so to speak to be ‘creative’ to make pictures etc.

The event was the following:

When I was going to school, generally I used to go a park where I used to play for a while, so when I had approximately 7/8 years old in multiple occasions I used to cross path with another child a little older than me, in which in the first impression in my mind a thought emerged which was; ”this boy’s face looks like Mariano/Marian(English)” (although I’m saying looks like as comparative for the reader) there was no reference in which I could say ‘oh yes this boy looks like [‘someone’] in my reality in which I could compare to.

So one day while in the park I crossed a path with this child and I was going to ask his name, in the moment before i opened my mouth to ask the question, the child ask me; Your name is Christian isn’t it?. I was shocked and I told him that he remind me of ‘Mariano’ in which in my mind has not reference to compare with another being.

This event is the first building block of ‘my path’ as spiritual person in of course later years and very important in the creation of the spiritual personality, because this event as memory was point of justification, where in moments of doubt about spirituality in itself I accessed this memory as a ‘What if’ where I could justify the point as something acceptable within my mind.

The next event was in the year 2004(16 years old) specifically in summer.

at this stage I was going to define myself as a ‘atheist’ because I saw religion as something ludicrous with no meaning but just spreading fear, my past as the dream and the child event disappeared I just saw it as something stupid of my ‘childhood’.

But I was still between atheist and ‘may be there’s something beyond’, but in this battle the ‘atheist’ was winning so to speak.

So, one day in the summer I was sleeping at night I calculate approximately above 2 am when a specific sound emerged , then a shadow silhouette appeared which in my ‘perception’ the sound in itself caused a paralysis in the totality of my body and I could not have fear, I was fearless in that moment. Then the silhouette of the being appear near to my bed and called my name, and put his hand above my head at the same time which caused a lot of sounds crossing by my head and then I fell asleep instantly.

When I wake up in the morning the next day – I honestly I didn’t give a fuck about the event, for me to me ‘it never happened’. But my mother told me that ‘someone has entered in her body’ and walked to my room to just ‘watch me’, she said that her body moved by force there.

I just considered it as ‘okay’, but I didn’t give much attention since my mother already was reading kryon stuff and I wasn´t interested.

The next week at night I could not sleep at all, I was just moving myself from left to right and suddenly I hear the voice of a woman speaking extremely fast in my mind and I saw a lot of numbers and letters crossing fast by my mind ( It’s that I saw by imagination ) this description I consider inaccurate since for me the sound of the woman speaking extremely fast triggered that ‘picture as imagination in my mind’. Then I fell asleep instantly.

Next in the morning I wake up and this time my approach was different ; I was like ‘okay what the fuck is going on’.

Eventually I found osho and that’s when I started to believe in the spirituality crap, lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to create images with the starting point of fulfill a mission based in a dream from childhood instead of a expression of myself here.

When and as I see myself creating images with the starting point of fulfill a mission based in a dream from childhood , I stop I breathe I realize that by taking a action with a starting point as a “mission” I’m feeding a sense of speciality towards the point in which now I realize and understand that it’s a point of self support and self expression which is not conditionated to any kind of mission as ego but as a way to support myself and others to realize that we have to be the change what want to see in this world/reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in the moment at school with the pen in my hand after drawing some shape in the paper with my eyes on it say to myself ‘it’s horrendous’, ‘I can’t do this’, ‘I’m not made for this’ creating a entire point of self sabotage for years later in myself in the moment where I see myself not being effective in something from start, which in fact is delirious because I have proven to myself that everything in this world/reality requires practice and there’s not any kind of instant solution to anything without the necessary training to develop a certain skill in order to perform a certain task.

When and as I see myself in a self sabotage mood when I start something new within and as the back chat ‘I can’t do this’, ‘I’m not made for this’, I stop I breathe – I realize that every task in this world requires practice in order to make it properly. Of course there’s tasks that requires less time practice than others due the amount of the complexity of the task in itself but it’s proportional to the nature of the task in itself which means that it’s completely unacceptable to try and create a idea of being effective in something from start because I live in this world/reality which time is one of the primary components, therefore I see I realize and understand that I deluded myself believing that I had to be ‘effective’ in something from the start because that’s not how this world/reality operates.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to in the moment in my bed after the second event of the ‘shadow being’ believe and perceive myself as someone important with a important purpose in ‘life’ creating a superiority personality within my mind which in fact was just a bubble that I have created from the event as a point and perception of myself as special.

When and as I see myself believing and perceiving that I’m a important person with a important purpose in life which makes me special, I stop I breathe I realize that there’s no special being with special purpose in life as it’s just a trap of the ego as form of fly high in the mind creating not only separation but also destruction of this physical reality because with the acceptance and allowance of such possession of such as delirium of grandeur one act accordingly to such mental state and therefore create actions which are based only in self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe in past lives as karma where there’s good people and bad people in which depending ‘their’ actions in the previous lives the outcome of the live would be according to the previous one, which in a way is very non sensical because in a world created through fear, what the fuck is good and bad? If everything is created with the starting point of fear, if the good is still protecting fear, what kind of good is that? Karma makes no sense.

When and as I see myself believing in past lives as karma where there’s good people and bad people in which depending their actions in the previous lives the outcome of the live would be according to the previous one, I stop – I breathe – I realize that there’s no good in this world/reality because the starting point is still based in fear therefore karma is totally irrelevant and has not practicality, it’s just as the punishment and reward system in which the children are educated which is the cause of the world as exist today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe in morality and integrity in this world/reality when in fact, what kind of morality and integrity could exist? if fear is the starting point of the same idea as ‘morality and integrity’ based on knowledge and information as good and bad, but never pondering why fear is acceptable within and as ourselves which is the cause of all evil in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe in good and bad when in fact if everything is just created by fear, then good and bad is a justification based in variables as knowledge and information which is all created as the other side as denial of the fear, which is superiority and self righteousness.

When and as I see myself believing in good and bad I stop , I breathe – I realize that good and bad at the moment is based in fear as the primary force that drive actions in both polarities therefore I see I realize and understand that good and bad haven’t ever existed because its starting point which is fear. Within this I see that common sense within the context of the best for all is the only way to make decisions instead of morality as good and bad, because the best for all is the best for me therefore I conclude that common sense within the context of the best for all is the only and most accurate description of ‘good’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to protect my limitations with beliefs within and as the back chat ‘I’m not made for this’ without realizing that in such statement I’m stating that I’m not the creator of myself but slave to my own convictions.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing limitations within and as the back chat ‘I’m not made for this’ I stop, I breathe – I realize that in such statement I’m protecting limitations which mean that I’m protecting fear as fear is the reason of the existence of limitation in itself thus I realize and understand that by accepting and allowing such back chats within my mind I’m separating myself from the responsibility of my life here in every moment which is not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to use the memory with the other child as a building block to later in my life create the spiritual personality as a way to justify my own limitations as ‘I’m doing that I’m supposed to be doing’ which in fact is the absolute abdication of responsibility towards my self and a way that i used to justify my own limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to never question myself, why fear is something acceptable as normal in this world/reality? Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to be something acceptable within as myself without pondering the consequences of such allowance as the decisions that I could take or consider which are based on fear when you have the opportunity to live a ‘normal life’ which mean to have roof over my head, water, food, and education.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear the simplicity of life and through that create abstract ideas as a way to make myself ‘more’ through beliefs that only support separation as good and bad, superiority/inferiority, rich and poor which only are the consequence of accepting and allowing to exist within and as fear in a accumulative effect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to consider that it’s okay to accept and allow limitations within myself because within and as the acceptances and allowances of this world/reality it’s normal to accept and allow limitations within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to utilize the justification of that others are ‘doing’ in order to accept and allow limitations within and as myself which is just the way as copy-mechanism is utilized which is the cause and reason for the proliferation of the abuse in this world as the way to ensure that one remain within the frame of which is ‘acceptable’ within this world/reality, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that to not have limitations within oneself is something crazy, ‘something ‘out there’. Which is only the mechanism of defense of ego in itself as a way to keep accepting and allowing fear which is not acceptable thus I have seen now realized and understood that by accepting limitation within myself I’m in fact assisting supporting fear to continue existing within myself as in this world/reality aswell.

I commit myself to identify the limitations within and as my thoughts to see, realize and understand who I have accepted and allowed myself to become and within this I commit myself to direct the composition of who I have become to what is best for all.

I commit myself to realize what’s going on when I participate in the back chat of ‘I’m not made for this’ is that I’m actually accepting and allowing myself to be/remain limited in ensuring that I don’t take the actions that would lead me to expand myself, and thus I commit myself to taking the actions that lead to me expanding myself.

I commit myself to utilize the thoughts that come up in my mind as tools that are showing me exactly how I’ve abdicated responsibility myself to my mind as fear, by allowing myself to be directed and manipulated by the thoughts that come up in my mind, so that I can stop all participation in self manipulation through participation in characters whose purpose is to generate energetic experiences within myself at the expense of the physical, and rather live here as an actual real being that is not directed by thoughts based in fear.

Communication/Respect

Communication/Respect

The other day I had a incomfortable experience while going to the shop to the get food for the cats that I’m responsible for. When I entered the shop and obviously put my request about the food, the man was more like ‘friendly’ in the communication like specifically using words as if we were intimate friends which in me I felt really uncomfortable, this time I didn’t react internally in terms of saying to myself “WTF”, but I felt really uncomfortable and a sense of inferiority started to emerge because I felt unable to respond to that particular kind of communication, in that moment I realized a point in relation to respect because in a way I felt offended in my discomfort, I saw that I always used ‘respect’ as a way to keep  distance from other people through a “formal” communication so to speak.

This triggered the point of irritation in relation to the urban Argentinean language that I always felt a form of disdain for, because it has words that are formed through swear words but with a tonality transformed into something ‘cute’ and ‘confident’ that is accepted for everyone as normal and acceptable but within me I have never accepted as ‘normal’ so I see that I have created this point of respect where I access the personality distant through ‘respect’.

Swear words is something that I have never in fact enjoyed , so I create the point of utilizing respect as a way to generate that point of separation within myself in relation to swear words through respect.

I remember that this was created since of course I was a little child where in the public school that I attended there was a lot of swear words like everywhere of course,  I felt like really irritated internally when I heard them probably because in my childhood  during ages of 5-6 years old  before school I had a happy life so to speak and then when the school came everything changed so dramatically in myself that I became a machine of reactions in relation to swear words.

Before going to school utilizing swearing words was something really a serious issue like something was really going on when someone was utilizing them, but never in a ‘punishing’ tonality I mean I remember one time when we were playing with my cousins and one of my cousins was playing a little too hard with another cousin and in that moment he utilized the word ‘retard’ , I remember that all the cousins reacted as a ‘ohhh’ the classical ‘ohhh’ of children when you know that something really wrong was made that was the ‘punishment’ for that kind of  behavior as swearing.

So for me was really integrated the point of swearing as a sacrilege so to speak

I’m going to walk in this blog the point swearing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to react in a way irritated when I hear somebody swearing because I have connected the idea of someone swearing as uneducated and aggressive and violent therefore connecting it to the word/image of someone swearing.

When and as I see myself reacting in irritation when I hear somebody swearing I stop I breathe – I realize that by connecting a negative experience to the word swearing I’m creating the point of separation as good or educated which is connected to the ‘good character’ and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect a person not swearing as educated and therefore ‘good people’ when in fact swearing are just words  thus I’m the one that put that negative experience and react to words as also doesn’t imply that one person is ‘good’ by not swearing because it’s really evident that there’s educated people that don’t do which is the best for all and doesn’t swear at all, thus it cannot be labeled as good just by not swearing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to have tendency to define people according to how much they swear or not and from there, generate a positive experience as ‘this is a good/educated person’ or bad/uneducated person’ and from there restrict my participation in the communication or enhance my participation in the communication instead of stand by my own two feet and communicate that I have to share/communicate without being influenced by external inputs.

When and as I see myself defining people accordingly as much they swear I stop, I breathe – I realize that by defining people accordingly as much as they swear I’m judging them and therefore, creating a point of separation towards the other people which is in fact myself because I’m the one that separate myself from others through placing value to rules in my own self religion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to create a point of inferiority in myself when I don’t know how to respond when people become VERY friendly/intimated and so by my habit of communication based in separation when this happens, create a point of inferiority mixed with a ‘cannot compute’ in my mind and therefore create a awkward moment in my mind.

When and as I see myself creating a point of inferiority in the moment I felt confronted with a very friendly approach mixed with the Argentinean urban language which to my perception is quite ‘aggressive/arrogant’  I stop, I breathe – I realize that I’m the one that interpret the whole point of being aggressed which only occurs in my mind by placing a negative experience by a rule in my mind as swearing as negative/bad/uneducated which are all rules that I have accepted and allowed to exist and that’s all are just ‘rules’ settled to just limit and suppress my own expression which in fact is not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define the Argentinean urban language as something negative/bad/wrong within my mind and therefore create a point of rejection towards those that speak the language more prominently which is in fact another way of to project blame towards others of something that I have made myself because I’m the one that created the whole experience and place it towards the ‘Argentinean urban’ language which has nothing to do but it’s only myself the one that create the entire experience within myself.

When and as I see myself defining the Argentinean urban language as something negative/bad/wrong within my mind I stop I breathe – I realize that it’s just a fucking language and that’s all not to be dramatic within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define myself as someone dramatic in my mind that find things where I can project this point of drama in the moment that I react and project this point of dramatist outside of myself.

When and as I see myself creating a point of dramatics outside of myself where I felt very victimized and  I stop I breathe, I realize that the dramatics is in myself and not outside myself as the reaction that I have created within my mind I stop, I breathe I realize that – I’m dealing with a reaction in myself and therefore I must investigate the reaction in order to sort it out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to react dramatically specifically in the moment that I see that I cannot respond properly and accordingly therefore create the point of victimization mixed with dramatics within myself.

When and as I see myself reacting dramatically specifically in the moment that I see that I cannot respond properly and accordingly I stop I breathe – I realize that creating a reaction within myself because I’m creating a reaction due I felt in inferiority and therefore create this sensation of dramatics in one second where I saw myself in inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to react in inferiority in the moment that I heard the tonality friendly like trying to invite me to communicate and express in communication and within that reacting in a ‘cannot compute’ and awkward moment within myself for some seconds in my mind.

When as I see myself reacting in inferiority in the moment that I heard the tonality friendly I stop I breathe – I realize it’s a good opportunity to express myself and not be so stuck in my formal communication so to speak.

Fear:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in the moment that I heard the person that attend the shop in a friendly tonality react internally in my mind in fear and inferiority mixed with a sense of awkwardness within myself.

When and as I see myself reacting a moment of inferiority mixed with a sense of awkwardness I stop I breathe I realize that I’m reacting because I feel that I don’t want to enter in the same tonality/vocabulary and therefore I create this point of superiority through a formal/distant communication in order to keep myself in distance but the truth is that I’m in fear of communicating in that kind of tonalities because I feel like I’m drained into a personality due my inherent copy mechanism that by repetition words keep stuck in my head and ends up repeating them as the Argentinean urban language that, as I stated before, I defined as bad/wrong within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear to speak in the very Argentinean urban language because I judged so much that If i see myself repeating the same words I fell like a really stupid dumb person.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing fear to speak n the very Argentinean urban language I stop I breathe I realize that I’m creating the whole idea in order to avoid to create a point of communication because I don’t need to copy their mechanism of speak in order to have a ‘equal conversation’.

In relation to the idea of stupid dumb person, there’s not a specific memory that I can really say ‘this is why and how I did in a single moment’ it was more like in myself in overall in my own observation, for instance I remember in teenage years the word so called ‘boludo’ for instance in ‘argentinian slang’ which mean ‘stupid’ or ‘fool’ which is used in a “friendly” way but at the same time is not, is something that I really felt irritating because is like swearing all the fucking time repeating the same word over and over and over again, I could hear in my mind and sometimes I could repeat it automatically in teen age years. So, I configured in myself the point of ‘don’t say this word’ because it’s for stupid dumb person in order to ‘control myself’ and not accept the culture stuff impregnate in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to react to the word ‘boludo’ with alert and disdain  and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to react to the voice tonality specifically accentuating the BOL  with  disconfort mixed with irritation and then udo more softly and like the last ‘stroke’ , if one translate it into english would be ‘ballman’ or ‘man with many balls’ and if one connect it to the theory of the bubbles, it could be a useful word lol.

In a way if one separate the word it would be ‘ball you do’ it’s like one make balls as ‘bubbles’ in the mind instead of be here. In a way make sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect a negative value to the word ‘boludo’ within my mind and therefore connect it to a emotion in my mind.

When and as I see myself reacting to the word ‘boludo’ I stop I breathe, I realize that it’s a word that in a way describe that we have become as the balls in the mind as bubbles thus it’s not something to react because describe quite well the word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to react to the word ‘locurita’ with irritation mixed with sensation of awkwardness, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to react to the word  Locurita  specifically in the ‘ita’ connected to a sensation of diminishment as if I were treated as children.

When and as I see myself reacting to the word ‘locurita’ with irritation mixed with a sensation of awkwardness, I stop, I breathe – I realize that ‘locurita’ is just word in the argentinian urban dictionary  and that’s all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to react to the word ‘pelotudo’ with the sensation of being attacked aggressively which again is referenced as balls because it’s a synonym of ‘boludo’ but with a accentuation more ‘aggressive’, it’s fascinating the conextion between balls and the relationship with soccer in the ‘argentinian culture system’.

When and as I see myself  reacting to the word pelotudo I stop I breathe I realize that there’s no aggressively in those words because in fact do not exist ‘officially’ but in the urban language so it’s just a energetic experience connected to the word as the sensation of being attacked aggressively which in fact is created within my mind.

Thought:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed think in the image of  myself in the moment that the person that attended the shop utilized a tonality and usage of words very friendly and I felt in that moment as being insulted because I saw the person very open which is not the habituated form of conversation that I generally I have with the people since I’m very neutral and formal as much as I can when I interact with people in order to keep that distance and because I like and I prefer a more clean communication in the same time.

When and as I see myself reacting as being insulted in my mind when someone approaches me in a tonality in which I’m not habituated –  I stop – I breathe, I realize that it’s me and my own self religion bullshit that don’t want to accept and allow that to understand it and therefore correct it which in terms of communication imply to change those moments and see who I’m when I stop letting myself to be possessed by the inferiority the fear and the distant personality that I have created in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in the moment with the shop and the person access a memory of school while in the years of fighting with other boys specifically where the people that I fought had that particular style of tonality and usage of words that remind me of those years of fight and conflict in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect the person with years of conflict and therefore react in inferiority and fear and disdain and the same time because there was no/ any kind of ‘respect’ in those people in which was my highest rule in my self religion, “respect”.

When and as I see myself connecting the person with the years of conflict and therefore reacting in inferiority and fear and disdain and the same time because there respect in those people I stop, I breathe I realize that in first of all respect do not exist without self respect, and self respect is the primary thing that create respect and I also realize that  I never in fact had respect for myself so, why to blame others for something that I didn’t  have in myself in first place?.

Back chat:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in the moment with the person of the shop say to myself ‘ ‘fuck I made myself inferior and him superior in this moment’ which means that I access inferiority and superiority in the moment that I communicate, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to create superiority and inferiority in communication instead of a place myself as a equal then communicate without any kind of fear in my mind.

When and as I see myself creating a point of inferiority and superiority in a moment of communication I stop I breathe – I realize that communication does not require of superiority and inferiority and thus I just communicate in my own tonality and usage of words without using any kind of copy mechanism in the moment that I communicate.

Reaction:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to react to the man in the shop with inferiority and fear and thus create a sensation of disdain within my mind and distance like wanting to get the fuck off from there quickly.

When and as I see myself wanting to get the fuck off quickly in the moment that I’m confronted/faced with the a nice voice tonality I stop I breathe – I realize that I must use that opportunity to change and to stop my BS self religion that I have created in myself.

Words and tonalities, for instance the point of tonalities is something that I gave a lot of emphasis in relation to “truth” for instance I never trusted words nor either in myself nor in others yet I always had this desire of ‘honor’ connected to words like ‘where is the honor to the own words?’ so to speak specially this point came up when I used to watch movies of gladiators and medieval age stuff like that, so my ‘focus’ in terms of ‘knowing’ if the person which I was interacting was the focus in their tonality and body language in order to generate a interpretation in order to sort out the ‘truth’.

So from there I always gendered a interpretation in relation to communication as superiority and inferiority because that was always my interpretation in my observations of all the persons that I have communicated, I disregard completely their words and focused mainly in their body language/voice tonality.

Thus I have created a point of win and lose in communication because in a way make sense the relation in terms of ‘gladiators’ and honor and words, is like fighting in communication in order to feel the winner or the ‘right thing’, that’s how basically opinions are generated isn’t it?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect the movies of gladiators as the idea of having to protect my own opinions with a sense of honor and therefore create a point of competition in communication based in inferiority and superiority.

When and as I see myself connecting the movies of gladiators as the idea of having to protect my own opinions with a sense of honor and therefore create a point of competition I stop I breathe – I realize that communication is not based in superiority and inferiority but a point of sharing a conversation in a equal manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect superiority and inferiority in relation to communication and accordingly of sounding and tonality of words thus create a point of inferiority and superiority within my mind and therefore react in superiority or inferiority according to the voice tonality.

When and as I see myself reacting to the voice tonality and body language I stop I breathe – I realize that I must investigate that experiences that ‘activate’ in myself that specific body language or voice tonality in order to sort it out.

When and as I see myself reacting to the word ‘boludo’ I stop I breathe, I realize that it’s a word that in a way describe that we have become as the balls in the mind as bubbles thus it’s not something to react because describe quite well the word.

I commit myself to in the moment when facing  a tonality and use of friendly words just communicate myself in a equal manner without creating all this burden of bullshit self religion that I have created within myself.

I commit myself to stop creating a point of superiority and inferiority in communication based in memories so I can in fact develop a effective communication.

I commit myself to develop a effective communication with people in order to kill the rules that I have placed in relation to communication so I can set myself free from my own self cage.

I commit myself to investigate every memory placed in relation to words so I can forgive them and place the corrective application so I can remove all shit that I have accepted and allowed to incorporate in myself.

I commit myself to stop blaming things as the Argentinean language in order to abdicate responsibility for my own reaction which is in fact unacceptable in every way because is spitefulness in every aspect.

Self Forgiveness – Love\Sex

Love

Love in relation of ‘feeling love’ is something that I felt mostly in my spiritual stage as the aparent solution of the humanity, which obviously later with Desteni I realized that I was just looking for a solution within a “feeling”, in which I saw that there’s no solution in a feeling as this was really a clear indication to me that I was just deluding myself extensibly.

So I simply give up the love thing as the solution of the world really easy, because it was really evident, obvious, in front of me that it’s impossible to place a solution within a single ‘feeling’, it’s totally ludicrous.

I understood the separation between love as the physical action and the idea of the mind as the feeling which is created as the excuse and justification in most cases for inaction by just placing value on positive feelings and positive thinking as in the cases of the so called “lightworkers” with love and light in which I used to ‘participate’ for a while.

In  relation to love as ‘relationship’ it’s something that I barely felt
It’s the point of ‘I want what I don’t have right now’ that’s my perspective in relationships with woman, because I see clearly that within this particular point I have never in fact interested in nobody it’s was just me wanting to get some attention as validation and that’s all.

The desire of experience sex.

I have been for some time having this desire for sex. But at the same time I don’t want a relationship in order to get sex nor even ‘one night stand’, so it’s a point of desire that I see that is ‘running’ in myself because I see confusion in myself in relation to this point, it’s not a ‘desire’ based in the necessity for release something but I see it as point oriented to the necessity for having something that I don’t have right now which create the desire in itself.

I have been looking for the moments  I have this desire of sex and it’s very random when it occurs, for instance I could be in the in the streets while walking and some images could come up within my mind which are very ‘abstract to my perception because it consist of a square black and within that square black I see another square and inside the square I see lines and curves filled with a skin color, then I start to feel the ‘necessity for sex’, in those moments I simply breathe and let it go, it’s something that is not possessing me but I see it’s there with no direction.

I noticed that when my mind becomes quiet is when generally the point emerge within myself creating a point of desire of sex.

I had a dream about this point of sex , I didn’t have dreams for a loong time. In the dream I was in the street while walking and I meet a woman, the woman was older than me 7/8 years older to my perspective and she came from a store and had a green bag wearing in her left hand. The picture of the woman consisted as the follow:  blond hair, blue eyes, symmetrical and proportional face yet normal to my perspective, dressed with brown suede jacket, jeans and brown boots.

We wave each other as if already know each other, in that moment I experience a feeling and a experience of ”sweetness”, and I continue walking then I hear my cell phone ring and I proceed to answer the phone which to my surprise was the woman and she tell me that she will have free time in the evening and night ‘today’ If I could go to her place. My reaction this call was quite ‘normal’ like no reaction at all but I was a little in confusion and while talking I entered a store  with  phone, in that instant  the owner appear a little upset and tells me that I cannot speak with a cell phone inside the store, which inside the dream trigged the memory of my karate teacher in their picture presentation and body language when my teacher or ‘sensei’ was ‘pin pointing at me in my last year of karate that I wasn’t attending the class in a civilized way but upset.

Continuing with the dream, in that moment I don’t say anything to the woman and I just simply hang out the phone with sense of: “Meh, I will not go” then I woke up.

Things that I can identify in the dream are:
The “swetness” is a feeling positive
The preference for woman older than me as ‘sexual partner’
The karate-do teacher upset by not attending the class connected to the point of discipline.

Now. Discipline and the karate teacher. I have ‘studied’ karate for 6 years, from seven to thirteen years old I was going to be teacher at my fifteen; but I dropped before that happened.

The karate teacher represented for me discipline and a point of passion for his own profession because this particular teacher was quite passionate about karate too such a extent that he had written in a minibook his meaning for karate where in one line, he wrote; ‘karate is life’, so his passion for karate was quite evident for me and that’s basically that he represented for me in terms of his ‘figure’ in my life.

In my the last year before I dropped out from karate, he was little uspset with me because I wasn’t attending the class, so in time to time he was pin pointing this particular point of “why I wasn’t attending the karate class” which in this dream reminded  within me this point of my life. I dropped out from karate because  at that stage of the karate I was going to be inserted in tournaments and competition and I didn’t want to do that, yet it wasn’t obligatory to do so, In way it seems that I lost the ‘passion’ for karate that I used to have in the beginning of how I started. The point of fighting with other people was something that weakened my passion, at my seven years old I didn’t think at all on that point, for me was just a to go and ‘play’ with the katas exercise etc. I quite enjoyed karate but I didn’t like at all the ‘fighting part’, so I dropped out from karate at my thirteen.

What’s the connection with the dream? The connection with the dream is that the teacher  as I stated above for me had the meaning of discipline and in that moment while the dream I was in ‘doubt’, thus this show me a point of vunerability in my commitment to stop this desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to desire to generate a positive feeling as sweetness connected to the idea of sex.

When and as I see myself desiring sex in order to generate a positive feeling I stop, I breathe I realize that it’s the point of energy that I’m trying to access when I’m generating this point of desire
therefore I see and I realize that it’s just energy that I’m looking for, which is not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect sex to a positive feeling within my mind.

When and as I see myself connecting sex to a positive feeling within my mind, I stop and I breathe I realize that sex is just a physical action like anything else in this world/reality and not a feeling based experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect sex with older woman with the idea of experimented organized and clean sex within my mind.

When and as I see myself connecting the idea of sex with a older woman than me with the idea of a experimented organized and clean sex, I stop , I breathe I realize that it’s a idea I have created within myself through see the women of my age as very energetic and irresponsible and therefore connect a negative experience to the idea of having sex with a woman of my age.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to place value to age connecting older women than me with ‘maturity’ when in fact it’s not so.

When and as I see myself placing value to age I stop, I breathe – I realize that maturity doesn’t come with age but with education, so it’s irrelevant to place value to age when in fact is not the cause of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to over generalize woman of my age as very energetic and irresponsible in relation to sex when in fact sex is made by two people, so it’s a matter of responsibility of two thus I realize that over generalize is just another form of blame thus projecting myself into others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect sex with woman around my age 20-24 years old with energy and irresponsibility in my mind due as I see the people young today as quite energetic and thus making based in energetic impulses. Projection again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to make decisions based in energetic impulses that dictate my own behaviour instead of being my own self directive principle in every moment of breath within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect sex to a energetic impulse as necessity instead of a physical expression here in the physical.

When and as I see myself connecting sex to a energetic impulse as necessity, I stop, I breathe – I realize that by looking at sex as a necessity within my mind I’m creating the desire in itself thus I see and I realize that sex is not a mind necessity but a physical expression here that don’t require to be desired.

Fear:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to fail in my own commitment in relation to one night stands and therefore create this point of suppression in relation to sex because I don’t want to fall in this point so I generate suppression instead of directing the point.

When and as I see myself allowing fear to direct me instead of me being the directive principle of myself in relation to sex, I stop, I breathe – I realize that by suppresing the point I’m making the point coming back into imagination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to supress the point of desire sex just by the fear of falling into temptation and therefore I supress it without realizing that more I supress the point the more persistent it will become, so it’s just a point that must be investigated in order to give it direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear the consequences of having one night stand which are for instance getting a disease or the born of a children or even both which are the consequences of such action but I don’t need fear to understand that such action as having one night stand generate in myself as in others.

When and as I see myself fearing the consequences of having one night stand I stop I breathe, I realize that by letting fear to direct me instead of myself in my own understanding, I’m letting myself to be controlled by fear and therefore I will end up with excuses and justifications because of being directed by fear instead of insight.

Though:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think about sex through connecting the images of curves and skin colours in movements and within that the experience of kissing, touching, grabing and the sensation of explouding within my mind.

When and as I see myself connecting the images of curves with skin colors in movements and the experience of kissing, touching, grabbing and  sensation of explouding myself I stop, I breathe – I realize that it’s useless to to think about it when in fact I’m the one that doesn’t want to commit myself into a relationship yet in order to in fact physically have sex, so it’s just irrelevant to “desire” something in a ‘middle road’ because If I don’t want take responsibility for the point. Why to “desire” it in first place? Make no sense.

Imagination:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to imagine within my mind the kisess the touching, grabbing the sensation of explouding with my physical body within my mind in imagination in order to create a sense of desire towards sex which in fact as I have stated before I see that I don’t want a relationship in order to have sex so it’s irrelevant to use imagination as a desire when in fact I don’t want to take responsibility and commitment on the point, so it’s just a point of create a desire for something without taking responsibility for the entire ‘desire’ as the desire of sex thus I see that it became a point of energy craving in my mind.

When and as I see myself craving for sex , I stop, I breathe – I realize that by craving in my mind for sex i’m in fact preoccupying my mind because if I’m not willing to commit myself in a relationship thus it’s not beneficial for me to think and imagine about it thus I allow myself to understand that every action that I take come with responsibility because otherwise the consequences ends up in things that I didn’t want in first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to create a point of energy craving in my mind in relation to sex in my own desire to sex and so create this point of desire that appear in my mind as flashes in time to time without understanding the fact that

Reaction:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to react in alert when I see a woman physical woman shape with pronounced curves.

When and as I see myself reacting in alert mode when I see a woman physical shape I stop , I breathe I realize that I’m just reacting to a picture as a shape based in mostly curves from the perspective of the mind which in itself mean energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect curves within my mind as something attractive/likeable within my mind.

When and as I see myself connecting curves within my mind as something attractive/likeable within my mind I stop, I breathe – I realize that curves in itself mean energy and from the perspective of the observer it will trigger the desire for energy through sex, I also realize the symbolism between a mountain and curves as ‘high energy’ there I see that I look when I’m attrated to woman with pro

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to look for ‘high energy’ through curves in the picture presentation of the woman as physical shape of the woman.

When and as I see myself looking for ‘high energy’ through curves in the picture presentation of the woman as physical shape of the woman I stop, I breathe – I realize that by placing importance in ‘high energy’ I slaved myself into energy so I see and I realize and understand that energy is the cause for which I have abdicated my own beingness by placing value on energy thus by connecting value on.

I commit myself to stop looking for positive energy through curves in the physical body of the woman because I realize that the point of desire is to generate a positive feeling within myself in order to create energy to maintain the idea of myself as the mind that I have created, therefore I see and I realize that by accepting those moments as craving for sex is to feed myself energetically and so it’s perpetuating my own ego.

I commit myself to realize that if I want to desire something I must take 100% responsibility for which I desire because there’s not a middle road on responsibility.

I commit myself to remind myself the importance of responsibility in relation to my own desires which of course must be into the consideration and context of the best for all.